Working on Myself

I’m someone who has been actively paying attention here and there for a long time now to my patterns of thought, especially the negative patterns.  Self-improvement is important to me. Enlightenment is the goal. Yet, it can be easy to ruminate and get stuck. Chronic illness and the anxiety that often accompanies that illness compound the problem.

However, I am tired of being miserable. Yes, I am in pain. I have a great deal of stress, but so do many people. I have to make this life, illness and all, the best life it can be. By changing my thinking, I can change my reality. I’ve utilized EFT, or tapping, in the past. Yet, I haven’t done it regularly. I have been tapping more, and I am noticing a difference. While driving, I am listening to more upbeat music. I’m making self care more of a priority. Getting control over my emotions plays a huge part in my happiness. When a negative thought surfaces, I am now looking at it and finding the positive. If I can’t, then I am learning to accept what is and move forward anyway. This is a new, daily way of being. Sure, I’ve done similar things before, but eventually revert to old patterns. It feels different now. Maybe because I cannot take the anxiety and toxicity any longer. I’m simply done living that way.

If I consciously pay attention to each or at least most of my thoughts, then eventually I will not have to work so hard. It will become my natural state of being. That’s the hope, anyway.

Stay tuned!

Will the sun shine again?

I’ve always loved Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles.  It’s a song brimming with hope- the certainty that life will get better. A new day is dawning.  I remember feeling that way once upon a time. I was young and had no idea what life held in store. I suppose that I’m glad I was unaware. Sometimes being left in the dark is kinder.

I’m in the middle of my time on this earth, at least for this go-round. I am a mom to 5 amazing children and have a partner I’ve shared 10 years with. We’ve built a life together, and it’s been both beautiful and tragic. I feel I’m at a crossroads at the moment. I long to quit my job and move on to something better, but what if it doesn’t exist?  I strive to become physically well, but who knows if that will happen? I long for the days I no longer have to communicate with my bitter ex, but then that would mean our children are grown and that saddens me.

I am on a constant search for enlightenment, but know it’s already within me, waiting for me to finally tap into it. I do EFT, aka tapping,  to help with my anxiety. I meditate, but not daily and of course I beat myself up over it. I will experience moments of wisdom, clarity and peace. Why must they be so fleeting? The first sign of trouble, and the anxiety sets in and I ruminate and spin my squeaky wheels like so many times before.

Will there ever be lasting peace of mind and contenment with my life? Or are those only reserved for a select few? Those light, easy souls who traipse through life joyfully, blissfully ignorant of how fortunate they are.

Why did I choose to have these struggles? I believe that choice was made on a soul level prior to my birth. Christ, I must be a masochist. Nah, I know intuitively that’s not true. I’m just tired of the merry-go-round. There has to be a ray of hope for me to continue to choose life. That ray is my children. I’m beyond blessed that I get the privilege of loving and raising them. I need to do more than exist for others, though. One day they will all be grown and here I will be. My passions in life need to thrive. They are always in the background, waiting to be noticed. I see them occasionally and say “someday, ” as if there’s always more time. What if there isn’t? What if I never pick up a paintbrush again, or write that children’s story? What if I never become an energy healer? All these dreams.. and then there is real life. Brutal, kick you in the knees life.

 

 

Chronic Illness

My 5 year old daughter just asked me if I’ve always been sick. Her innocent question gutted me. You see, I have 5 kids, ranging in age from 20 to 5. With my older kids, I was well. I had boundless energy and no pain.

With my two youngest, I have had fibromyalgia and CFS. It all began after a car wreck on the way to work. It started with neck pain and within two years it became full-body pain. I have daily fever, ranging from in the 100’s to 102’s. No one can understand the toll this takes unless they have chronic illness, too. I support my family and commute three to four hours a day. My job is extremely stressful, which makes me more symptomatic. 

My not so helpful doctor told me to find a less stressful job. No shit! I look daily. So far, it has not happened. I’m extremely frustrated. I feel like I’m not the Mom that I wish to be. Sure, I can still love my children and I do everything that I can for them. Yet, I am plagued by guilt. I want to be able to do so much more. I have tried every new idea on how to be cured. Different meds, no meds. New supplements, cutting back on certain foods or eliminating them altogether. Nothing has helped. I am still alive only for my family. I could not cause them pain by ending my life. I wonder how much longer I can do this, though. Every single day is a fight for survival.

I do believe that we experience certain trials in life to teach us the lessons we need to learn. I  just don’t know what the lesson in yet. I know that others have it worse and I am grateful for my blessings. I’m just tired of being in constant pain and feeling exhausted all the time. I wish to have joy in my life again for more than mere moments.

There’s also constant pressure from well meaning people to try this or that. I know my illness better than anyone. I know all the theories, believe me.  There’s also endless frustration with insurance not covering certain treatments that might help. I feel very alone in this battle, though I know that I am not. People at work stay home because of a backache or cold, yet probably make fun of me for being sick even though I work in levels of pain and exhaustion  that would keep them bedridden.

I don’t have any answers tonight. I just know that I want my quality of life back.

Life Changes

I’ve been miserable in my job for years. It’s meaningful work and I am proud that I’ve been of help to people who need it. I have met folks I never would have known. However, spending 3-4 hours commuting and the constant needs of those with whom I work have drained me. Add to that the fact that I have fibromyalgia and am thus in constant pain and you understand why change is needed!

I interviewed for a new job and was told that I made the cut and was among the final three candidates. The HR Manager said we would soon schedule the panel interview. Then radio silence. I haven’t heard from him since. I guess they decided to change course in their search, but still..he could’ve told me. Brutal. In all honesty, I wasn’t thrilled with the job itself and knew it’d be stressful. Yet, it would have paid really well and alleviated the financial stress I have been under.

I believe that there are things unknown occurring and that I need to have faith that things do work as they need to. I’m just feeling disheartened by it at the moment. No one can make these life changes but me, so I won’t give up. I’m just so very tired of the struggle. Literally waking up, getting out of bed, showering, everything is hard when you are in pain. I’d welcome some good fortune to come my way!

You are my ex for good reason

My marriage ended in 2007 after 16 years.  I’m the one who pulled the plug. We got along fine, well even, the majority of our marriage. Yet, something was missing. We were best friends and he felt passionate about me, but I didn’t share those feelings. I desperately wanted to, but you cannot force such things.

We came together at a time when we needed each other. I think it was a successful union. We shared three beautiful boys. Before we had them, his support helped me get sober. I was a stay-at-home mom then, so I provided a stable home for our family  and that stability helped him grow in his career. It seemed like we could divorce amicably, and for a time we did. Then he met (and later married ) a woman young enough to be his daughter. She did not have the maturity to accept that he had a past. She created a wedge between us and he went along with it. He becomes whomever he is with. I call him a chameleon. She’s bipolar and can go through bouts of rage. Out of the blue, I received nasty emails from her. She inserted herself into my marriage with him, insulted me and it was vicious. Her darkness is palpable. As an INFJ personality type, I feel other’s energy. This makes conflict really hard on me emotionally and physically.  Through the years,  I’ve received many cruel emails from him regarding our kids.

We are different kinds of parents. He’s more hardcore, I’m more understanding.  I pay attention to their emotional well-being while his sole focus is their grades. I care about their grades of course, but I would rather come from a point of finding out what the problem is, rather than just grounding them. So, because of our boys we still have to interact. It’s always via email. There have been some friendly emails, which is nice.  However,  I never know when he is going to go off about something. He has taken on her darkness as his own. I don’t even recognize him anymore.

Every time I see an email from him, I have an anxiety attack. I meditate,  pray about it, try to distance myself from his anger. I still struggle,  though.  I wish I could successfully let my anxiety go. I’m also chronically ill, so any additional stress makes my pain that much worse. I don’t want to wish the remaining years I have with my boys away until they’re adults. I know this time is precious.  Our 18 year old moved out already, and it’s bittersweet. Yet, I cannot wait until I do not have to deal with him. He’s poisonous. I’m a peaceful person. I do not want conflict.  I tried to help all of us be friendly,  but she would have no part of it. I know their relationship will end eventually and maybe he’ll truly find himself then. I hope so.

I will keep searching for ways to help myself cope. I know this is happening to teach me to deal with conflict, but I’m tired of this lesson already! It’s all just too much. I don’t regret leaving him, but I would have been shocked if anyone had told me then the person he would show himself to be now. I never saw it coming. I take it as a lesson that you truly never know someone. Anyone can leap into the darkness.

 

 

 

 

a successful marriage,  even though it ended. It wasn’t a failure.  We had three beautiful boys together.  His support helped me get sober and I gave him a stable home. I developed feelings for another,  and I knew it was time to end it. What was missing in our marriage,  at least for me, would never be found. 

Struggle

I’ve decided that I’m over the struggling. It’s taken many forms throughout my life, and probably yours, too. What purpose does it serve? To help us grow, appreciate the joy when it comes?

It doesn’t need to be this way. I’m making a statement to you, Universe! I am choosing joy. The question is- how do I get there? I am meditating more. Not daily yet, but more and that’s something, right? Baby steps.

I had two weeks of sheer hell at work. Not just the usual stress, but over the top, I am seriously about to tell you all to suck it stress. If I weren’t supporting my entire family, I would have walked the fuck out. Then there has been financial stress. I’ve been the sole breadwinner for 15 months. I work for a nonprofit, so I’m far from wealthy yet. I say “yet” because someone has to win Powerball. It might as well be me!

My anxiety has gone through the roof. I ordered rhodiola rosea as well as suntheanine herbals. They are supposed to help with mood among other things, so worth a shot! My first try will be tomorrow. Wish me luck!

I wonder about folks who seem to coast through life. No big problems, they seem happy. Was it a before life choice they made on a soul level? Why didn’t I choose that? And can I change that choice now? My moodiness is becoming my undoing. I cannot be the Mom, mate or human being in general that I wish to be if I can’t get my moods under control.

I used to be pretty content. I mean, I was always somewhat neurotic, but aren’t we all? I was more positive, though. I didn’t work outside of the home then. When you commute 3 hours a day in Seattle traffic, work for a job that pays you too little and does not appreciate your ass-busting, the bills are overdue and it’s all your responsibility to pay them, it’s harder to be cheery. Not to mention the chronic pain of fibromyalgia. I realize that on some level, I’ve chosen it all. I simply do not choose it now.

Life is making a turnaround for the better. The times they are a changing. I am making it so.

Finding the Light

It’s been a time of darkness. Of course, moments of lightness have found their way into my life, too. I wouldn’t recognize the light if it weren’t for the dark, so there is gratefulness in it all. I must admit that I’m ready for more light.

Life needn’t be such a struggle. I would enjoy learning from joy, not just pain. Why is it that we pay closer attention to the pain? Some of the most beautiful, moving songs are born of great sorrow. At least, those are the melodies that move me. Maybe some souls have a leaning toward melancholy.

I told you that our annual beach vacation was coming up. We went and it was lovely and painful. My family spent time on Oregon’s rugged coast. We had campfires and laughter, standing in awe at the magnificence of it all. It takes your breath away, it’s so beautiful.

Rich and I had a late night walk on the beach, as we love to do. We talked about our relationship, and how we seemed to have reached a crossroads. I said I couldn’t help feeling that he kept secrets. I also said I couldn’t really move forward until he told me whatever it was he was hiding. He said that when he did that in the past, it didn’t help us. I just held onto the anger, so why would it be any different this time? I understand his logic, but his saying that reinforced my belief that there are secrets. Always the secrets.

I’m not naive. Every couple has things they do not share. It’s the big things that are the silent killers, though. Harmless flirting or money spent but kept hidden. Maybe a new shirt that she just had to have. Or a small wager on a game that he felt a need to make. Little, fairly harmless secrets that live in the dark.

What of the massive, murderous secrets you know in your gut are there, but no confirmation is ever given? Or they’re simply dismissed altogether?  They eat away at your trust and destroy your love. It’s possible that the only way I can find the light is to accept that there are some things I’ll never know. Maybe I’ll be able to make peace with that.

It’s been a while…

I haven’t blogged in so long. Life had me somewhat paralyzed, I suppose. A year ago, I found out that the reason I’d been in so much pain for years was because I have fibromyalgia. The pain was getting worse, affecting not just the spine any longer but other areas. I developed chronic fatigue, which is fairly common with fibro. There were times I just did not want to live. A life of constant pain is no life. However, I knew I had to hang on for my children. I truly wanted to watch them grow, see them become adults. Maybe a better way of putting it is that I wanted to live; I just didn’t want to live the life I was living. I saw doctor after doctor who condescended to me and I became completely fed up with medical professionals (even though they were hardly professional).
As of last week, I have a new doctor. Well, she’s a Physician Assistant. And she’s awesome! Finally! I’m now on Tramadol, which my previous asshole of a doctor refused me. This medication has given so many people with fibro their lives back. I have hope now and it’s been a long time coming.
My relationship is in a low spot again. This is hardly atypical. We’re good, then we’re not. There’s never really been a middle-ground with us. I have no idea where it’ll go from here. Maybe you reach a point where you just can’t fight to make it anymore. It’s possible we’re both at that point. I’m not giving him what he needs and he’s not meeting my needs either. I’m tired of the struggle and I’m tired of being with someone who doesn’t seem to like me. He’s been great through my fibro. Supportive, helpful and wonderful in being empathetic to how ill I have been. There’s been good mixed in with the not-so-good. We have two kids together and we’ll be tied forever because of that.
A beach vacation is coming up within the week. Maybe that time away will reconnect us. Or, maybe we’ll go and enjoy the scenery but not each other. I’m not going to get my hopes up about it. It’ll be what it’ll be and either way, we’ll be at the beach so it won’t be awful!
My eldest child just graduated high school, which is bittersweet. I’m so proud of the man he has become, but scared of him leaving the nest. I have no experience with this, so I don’t really know how to handle it. I wish for a happy, successful, fulfilled life for him. He’s brilliant and has his choice of what he wants to do with his life. I pray he makes good choices. He always has, so I expect he still will. Just have to have faith!
The ex and I have been friendlier-well, more civil may be a better word for it. It’s been nice. I can’t tolerate animosity. His new wife has made me out to be the awful ex and I cannot control her actions; I can only control mine. I hurt him and I understand it takes time to get over that, but it’s been over 7 years. Time to move on with it.
I hope to get back into writing regularly again. Even if no one reads this, it helps me. I need to “get it all out” somehow so I don’t implode. If anyone is reading this, I wish you happiness and peace. Be well.

Hidden Away

Guide me through your passageways
Those seldom traveled paths
Tucked away inside your head
Your secrets they keep masked

Present in body but not in mind
You float with the ether to worlds unknown
Vibrant magentas and soul-soothing blues
A world of magic that I’m not shown

So here I sit and question
All that I cannot see
The world you’ve tucked away
Forever hidden from me

Wildflowers are calling…

Drowning out the noises of the world

but mostly those in her own mind.

She wanders, seemingly closed off

from the world, the pain, the questions.

In her bubble she is safe, free

from the clutching demons so desperate

to drag her down.

In her silent escape she comes upon

a field of wildflowers.

They are everything she is not-joyful, vibrant, fearless.

And in that moment she knows what she must do.

So she lies down among the brilliant, swaying petals

and lets them envelop her with their beautiful hues.

She is no longer herself, but returned to the earth once more.

No pain, no noise, no fear.

Just peaceful silence.