Okay, so maybe not a lot of sun in the Pacific Northwest, but sunny in my soul. This week I consciously made the decision to focus on the positives in my life, the blessings. I’ve been so overburdened by anxiety and chronic pain, job stress and fatigue that it’s been difficult seeing all that’s right. Now, here and there over the past month I’ll start my day thanking the God I believe in for the beautiful sunset, or the changing of the leaves or the laughter and hugs of my children, and my family and friends’ well-being. But aside from that, it’s been so hard taking the focus away from my chronic spinal pain. It’s consuming because you feel like shit all day, every day and I have felt this way for over 3 years now.
Then there are the relationship struggles I’ve had with R-good days, bad days and times I felt I needed to just walk away.
My perspective has changed this week, though. Even though Oprah can annoy me, I had one of her “ah ha moments.” I was commuting to work and I realized that I can never undo the pain R caused me with his infidelity. I can only focus on all that’s wonderful in our relationship and move forward. Regarding my pain, I came to understand that I need to see my body not as my prison, but as a source of strength. This body has borne 5 children. I make it though hot yoga 2 or 3 times a week. I am on the go most hours of the day and only get 6 hours of sleep a night, but still my body keeps me moving. It’s hard to take the focus away from the pain because it’s so uncomfortable, but I’m working at shifting my energy to my crown chakra and heart chakra instead of putting my energy into my areas of pain. Time will tell if this works, but it’s worth a shot! I’ve also gotten back into meditating, which I’ve known for years I needed to start doing again.
So, in essence I’m vowing to return to the positive person I was, many moons ago.
Does that mean you won’t see another pain-filled post from me? I doubt it. All I can say is that I’m aware of a continual need for enlightenment. We never stop growing and I choose to become better, more loving, calmer as time passes. If I need to stay on anti-anxiety drugs to do this, then I damn well will! I see no problem with it. I tried herbal supplements but they didn’t really work for me (but do for many others and more power to them). I’m focusing on putting more love out there, and this week I’ve gotten more kindness back, even from someone at work who normally irks the hell out of me. So, something’s working here. My prayer is that it will continue.
Scraps and Graphics
It’s been about a year and a half since I found out about my mate’s past cheating. We went to counseling, we’ve tried to improve communication and I’ve worked my ass off to forgive him for his years of lying to me. Yet this morning I found myself thinking about it on my commute to work, and then when I got here I yet again looked through the emails of his old email account. I could not tell you how many times I’ve read those emails to and from other women. There’s nothing new to find, and I know that logically, but I looked anyway. Emails from women who responded to his ad on craigslist or matchmaker.com or whatever online website (there were many) he used to try to find new partners. He told many that he “hadn’t found anyone who excited him.” He wrote about his ex-wife and the girlfriend he had before me (who was married and cheating on her husband). In all those emails, there was nothing about me. And yet during the two years of his infidelity, he was texting and emailing me love poems, working with me daily, sleeping with me and promising me that I was the only one. I was a fool and he was a bastard who played mind games with me. Normally I would talk to my coworker and close friend about all this, but R had me promise not to talk to him anymore so here I am, alone and lost in my head.
He is not the same person now. We have two children together, have been together for 6 years and I have seen his growth. He has become a family man and is a truly wonderful, patient and loving father and he tries to be a good partner to me. So having seen his growth, why do I sometimes go back to that dark space in my mind and allow all the hurt and feelings of betrayal to creep back in? Will there ever be a time when it won’t feel like I’ve been stabbed in the gut? And how do you ever fully trust someone who has proven himself to be a skilled deceiver? Someone who can look you in the eyes and swear they have never been unfaithful when in fact they had from the beginning? Maybe I never will fully trust him. Maybe that’s the inevitable result of the destruction he caused. Maybe I can and have forgiven him, but that doesn’t mean letting myself be fooled ever again. I cheated on him a year ago. When he asked, I was honest about my having cheated once. Do I feel guilty about it? Nope. Quite possibly, I should but I don’t. He had it coming. He got a taste of the misery I’ve been dealing with ever since I found out, and really, long before I found out because I felt in my gut for a long time that he had been unfaithful. You reap what you sow in this life.
My blue mood hit me on the way to work this morning, seemingly out of nowhere. R was over-exhausted and low last night and I went to bed after hot yoga class without too many words exchanged between us. Things just felt “off” with us. He says he is feeling better today, so that’s a positive. I saw a neurosurgeon this week to discuss my chronic spinal pain (car wreck three years ago caused it). He didn’t offer much help. Well, he listened somewhat, which is more than my primary doc does. He prescribed a different muscle relaxant to help with the muscle spasms. I found out a few weeks ago that the damage to my spine in my accident caused my spine to develop degenerative osteoarthritis as well as spinal curvature at the upper and lower spine. This explains the three years of pain. I’ve been at my wits’ end with it all.
Fast forward to my just ending a phone call with a colleague who is on leave because her breast cancer spread to her spine. She is going through so much right now and here I was complaining about my pain. It could always be worse. My heart aches for her suffering; it just is not fair. I’ve never been one to believe that life is random. I feel in my bones that there is something far larger than we can comprehend at work in this life (and the next and the next). But still…the pain so many are going through just seems so unjust. I try to have faith that contracts are made between souls before we come into this body and that nothing happens by accident. Somehow that doesn’t lessen the grief when someone for whom we care is in pain.
I wish for joy in the lives of all I love and in my life as well. So much sadness these days…I just cannot take it anymore.
I’ve spent a lifetime often feeling alone, misunderstood, unappreciated. I had a friend who valued our relationship as much as I and now he’s gone and a part of me is missing. The sadness I feel is palpable and I don’t know that this is a wound time will heal. These connections are rare for me; that’s why I value this one so much. I want my relationship with R to to work-that’s why I agreed to end my friendship with my coworker. I just don’t know how to move through my life now without my friend.
R told me that if he and I were going to work as a couple, I needed to end my friendship with the close friend with whom I had a one-time affair (see earlier posts). This was not just someone I slept with. He had been my best friend, someone who I feel encouraged my growth intellectually, spiritually and as a person in general. We work together, so we could talk about work frustrations and know where the other was coming from. My job is extremely stressful and draining in so many ways, and some days it is hard to make myself go to work. Having him there to talk with made the days brighter. I don’t connect with people often, so when I do I treasure those friends. I hoped that he and I could remain friends while R and I made our relationship work. However, R does not feel that’s possible given the intimacy we shared.
This week marks the first week of my friend and I not communicating at all unless it is about work. Due to our roles, we still have/need to interact, but when we do now it has to be only about work. No personal stories shared, no pondering the meaning of it all, nothing. I feel sort of lost here now, like my anchor has been stolen. I understand where R is coming from, but I also believe his demanding this is a decision based on fear. He believes the friendship is damaging to our relationship. Maybe he’s right, I don’t know. All I do know is that I’ve felt a certain sense of loneliness all my life, and with him I finally had someone who understood and appreciated me (and I him). Now that’s gone and I’m adrift.
I don’t have any profound answers today. I’m just sad; like there has been a death. I’m making R happy and of course I want to do that for him. I love him. I just know that in doing this for him, I’m losing one of the best friends I’ve ever been blessed enough to have.