Fibromyalgia, parenting, love and loss

Posts tagged ‘anxiety’


I’ve decided that I’m over the struggling. It’s taken many forms throughout my life, and probably yours, too. What purpose does it serve? To help us grow, appreciate the joy when it comes?

It doesn’t need to be this way. I’m making a statement to you, Universe! I am choosing joy. The question is- how do I get there? I am meditating more. Not daily yet, but more and that’s something, right? Baby steps.

I had two weeks of sheer hell at work. Not just the usual stress, but over the top, I am seriously about to tell you all to suck it stress. If I weren’t supporting my entire family, I would have walked the fuck out. Then there has been financial stress. I’ve been the sole breadwinner for 15 months. I work for a nonprofit, so I’m far from wealthy yet. I say “yet” because someone has to win Powerball. It might as well be me!

My anxiety has gone through the roof. I ordered rhodiola rosea as well as suntheanine herbals. They are supposed to help with mood among other things, so worth a shot! My first try will be tomorrow. Wish me luck!

I wonder about folks who seem to coast through life. No big problems, they seem happy. Was it a before life choice they made on a soul level? Why didn’t I choose that? And can I change that choice now? My moodiness is becoming my undoing. I cannot be the Mom, mate or human being in general that I wish to be if I can’t get my moods under control.

I used to be pretty content. I mean, I was always somewhat neurotic, but aren’t we all? I was more positive, though. I didn’t work outside of the home then. When you commute 3 hours a day in Seattle traffic, work for a job that pays you too little and does not appreciate your ass-busting, the bills are overdue and it’s all your responsibility to pay them, it’s harder to be cheery. Not to mention the chronic pain of fibromyalgia. I realize that on some level, I’ve chosen it all. I simply do not choose it now.

Life is making a turnaround for the better. The times they are a changing. I am making it so.


Alone in a house filled with people

R and I are cordial. We talk about the kids, about trivial things. Yet, over the past month everything’s changed. We are roommates, co-parents. Not even friends, really. And the funny thing is we always had passion-no matter what we’ve been through, that was always there. It’s been absent for some time now, though. I don’t know how to get it back, either. There’s a general feeling of apathy on both of our parts. We are disconnected and it breaks my heart. I remember how it used to be and I don’t know how to get back to that place…

Monday, Monday…


Mondays peak my anxiety. I believe it’s a matter of adjusting my energy to the energy of my workplace after a weekend respite. I feel the anxiety starting to mount on the commute and I focus on calming down, breathing, letting it go. Once I’m in my office, however, I know that at any given moment someone will knock on my door. I’m the main 1st Responder in a manufacturing environment, and people get cut routinely. They also come to me with HR concerns, health issues, you name it. If I could come in and know that I had some time to adjust, it would be so much better for my anxiety. If wishes were horses-well, you know the saying.

After a visit with my doctor recently, we upped the dosage on my Citalopram to 40 mg. per day. That’s the highest she’ll go with it. If after a month, I do not notice a reduction in my anxiety, then she wants to add Buspar to the mix. An anti-anxiety cocktail, as it were. I don’t want to take anything that will make me gain weight. See, with an eating disorder in my past and the fact that I’m finally back to my pre-pregnancy weight, I cannot and will not gain weight. It wreaks havoc with my self-image. If I keep doing my regular yoga and watching what I eat, hopefully it will not be a problem. Now for some good news-I’ve discovered that my life’s purpose is in healing. I’ve always gravitated toward jobs where I’m helping others. Part of my job title now is “Wellness.” The wonderful book “Destiny of Souls” helped me realize this purpose. I’m looking into reiki as an option. One day at a time, though. I’m not letting myself stress over change. I feel blessed to have finally found out what my raison d’etre is. Maybe eventually I’ll learn to heal my own chronic pain! One thing about the book that really resonated with me is that healers often have chronic pain themselves. It’s a way of really being able to empathize with others. This makes sense to me. Now, I still hope to cleanse myself once and for all of the spinal pain, but it definitely has brought greater empathy for those who are dealing with daily pain. It takes a toll in every facet of one’s life.

Things on the relationship front are much improved, thankfully. We’re communicating better/more, and communication has always been our biggest issue. I’m learning to let go of my anger and hurt over things he did in the past. You see, my ex-husband has held onto anger at me for my ending of our relationship. I hurt him, behaved badly and wish I could erase it. I’ll never be able to do that, though. All that I can do is make amends and be a better person in my life now, in this moment. That’s all R can do, too. I know he would erase the pain he caused me if he could, but there are no words he can say that will take it all away. So, I can hold it against him forever or I can accept his apology and move forward. I’ve chosen the latter. We cannot be granted forgiveness in life if we aren’t willing to extend the same forgiveness to those who have wronged us.

Both sides of the spectrum


The week is coming to an end (thankfully). Work-wise, it’s been stressful, draining and frustrating. I’ve been on a new antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication and it hasn’t kicked in yet, so my anxiety has been bad. I emailed my doctor on a particularly difficult day, asking if we could increase my valium dosage, or maybe try something else (stronger) because I was having such a hard time of it. She emailed back and said I should come in to see her. I’ve had meetings and trainings all week and will have more next week, and going to the doctor means missing a half-day of work due to my commute, so I told her I would ride it out and see if things improved. If not, then I’ll go in for a visit. My anxiety is totally manageable when I’m not at work. Work is my trigger. When I’m home with my family, sure, there are normal stressors, but my kids are such a source of happiness. Things with R have been so much better this week. We had a long talk last weekend and have really made great strides this week. We agreed on improving our communication, and I’ve also been more physically demonstrative with him, which has made him feel wanted and loved.

So, the week has been full of positives and negatives and I guess that’s just the way life goes sometimes. I would love to one day be one of those carefree people who takes everything in stride. Living with anxiety (mine is generalized as well as situational) is so draining on all levels. I’m a strong person, but the anxiety makes me feel week. I’ll ask myself why things that would not stress out a lot of people cause such stress and anxiety in me. I know that growing up, I wasn’t given the tools to deal effectively with stress. My parents both tend to be anxious and my father always drank to help cope. My mom developed ulcerative colitis when I was a young adult, and I believe that disease largely came from her anxiety. I understand that stress and anxiety affect us physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually and so I want to deal with it and heal. It’s a long process, though. I have setbacks, and then I will get down on myself for it. I do not want to go through my life needing to be medicated. For now though, I will take whatever medication I need to take to help me. It took years to ask for help, so I just need to remember to be gentle with myself.

I wish I had that peaceful, easy feeling

My anxiety has been with me steadily, like the beast who won’t go away. For a time now, it’s just been the anxiety. I didn’t feel depressed, and came to discover that the anxiety had been causing the depression all along. It’s similar to what comes first, the chicken or the egg? Well, over the past week, I have felt depressed. Some days I’m just “blah,” while other days I have felt really low. I’ve been looking at old emails from my husband’s account (not legally my husband but we live as husband and wife), one from years ago when we weren’t living together and had no children together yet. He was cheating on me then with numerous, random women but I was unaware. Well, my gut told me something was up, but I had no proof until a little shy of two years ago.
We went to counseling and have tried to get past what he did. So, why am I going back to that dark place and looking at the proof of his infidelities? Why am I tormenting myself?

I believe that people are our mirror, and I’ve been forced to deal with a really angry individual at work. This tells me that I have my own repressed anger that I must face, and that anger has a lot to do with R and how he hurt me so much. I’ll have enlightened moments where I see the situation for what it was-he was self-destructive and drinking a lot at the time, he had no hope in relationships working out, and so he had a secret life. He’s not the same person now, but still…those actions cannot be undone. I can logically know that people do in fact change and grow, but the fear that he’s still deceiving me is there still. I’ve found no proof of anything he’s done wrong since we have lived together. No texts, emails, posts, nothing. But still I worry. I never again want to be in the dark. These feelings create distance between R and I-they have to. I know that for me to dwell on the past is damaging to our moving past it, but I wear the pain around me like a blanket.

My doc and I agreed to up the dosage on my anti-anxiety/depression medication and since I did that, I’ve lost all desire for sex. There’s just no interest there at all. I used to feel such passion for R. No matter what was going on in our relationship, that part was always good. I know he must think it’s because I don’t find him attractive any longer. I’ve always found him beautiful. His job requires him to sit all day and because of that, he’s gained weight. I miss the body he used to have, but he’s still beautiful and sexy. I just feel dead on an intimate level. There’s a lack of connection, a wall. We haven’t really talked about it. There never seems to be enough alone time (I have 5 kids) and our work schedules are different. Plus, he’s just lost both of his grandparents, so I don’t want to add to his stress or unhappiness. So, we go about our days with the proverbial elephant in the room.

I so long to feel true joy in my life. Confidence. Peace. Security. Trust. Love. I try and try to grow and heal myself and I feel as if I keep running into that brick wall and it’s so incredibly frustrating.

Sunny days ahead

Okay, so maybe not a lot of sun in the Pacific Northwest, but sunny in my soul. This week I consciously made the decision to focus on the positives in my life, the blessings. I’ve been so overburdened by anxiety and chronic pain, job stress and fatigue that it’s been difficult seeing all that’s right. Now, here and there over the past month I’ll start my day thanking the God I believe in for the beautiful sunset, or the changing of the leaves or the laughter and hugs of my children, and my family and friends’ well-being. But aside from that, it’s been so hard taking the focus away from my chronic spinal pain. It’s consuming because you feel like shit all day, every day and I have felt this way for over 3 years now.
Then there are the relationship struggles I’ve had with R-good days, bad days and times I felt I needed to just walk away.

My perspective has changed this week, though. Even though Oprah can annoy me, I had one of her “ah ha moments.” I was commuting to work and I realized that I can never undo the pain R caused me with his infidelity. I can only focus on all that’s wonderful in our relationship and move forward. Regarding my pain, I came to understand that I need to see my body not as my prison, but as a source of strength. This body has borne 5 children. I make it though hot yoga 2 or 3 times a week. I am on the go most hours of the day and only get 6 hours of sleep a night, but still my body keeps me moving. It’s hard to take the focus away from the pain because it’s so uncomfortable, but I’m working at shifting my energy to my crown chakra and heart chakra instead of putting my energy into my areas of pain. Time will tell if this works, but it’s worth a shot! I’ve also gotten back into meditating, which I’ve known for years I needed to start doing again.
So, in essence I’m vowing to return to the positive person I was, many moons ago.

Does that mean you won’t see another pain-filled post from me? I doubt it. All I can say is that I’m aware of a continual need for enlightenment. We never stop growing and I choose to become better, more loving, calmer as time passes. If I need to stay on anti-anxiety drugs to do this, then I damn well will! I see no problem with it. I tried herbal supplements but they didn’t really work for me (but do for many others and more power to them). I’m focusing on putting more love out there, and this week I’ve gotten more kindness back, even from someone at work who normally irks the hell out of me. So, something’s working here. My prayer is that it will continue.

Mood Swings

It’s been a good week. My mood has been up, I’ve been feeling far more sociable at work and the anxiety has been much improved. I was surprised by the shift in mood because work has been overwhelmingly stressful to the point that I’ve felt I’m literally at the breaking point. However, today the mood’s low again and I’m unsure why. Maybe it’s just fatigue from the hot yoga class last night, or maybe it’s just the frenetic pace catching up with me. As I type I’m listening to Evanescence. Anyone who knows me really well understands that if I’m listening to that band, I must be in a dark mood! I’m at work and for a time at least, it’s quiet and I have a few spare minutes so I thought I would write to try to get to the bottom of my darkness this morning. Thoughts of R’s past infidelity have crept in along with insecurities related to that (is it possible he’s hiding things now?). Logically, he works from home as a writer and is with our little ones all day, so I know that it’s damn near impossible for him to cheat. There’s no other woman on the radar either. It’s just my mind dragging me down again.

Probably somewhere tied in to my mood is the feeling that came on suddenly a couple weeks ago that I’m not going to live a whole lot longer. R and I were literally lying in bed after a wonderful date night, and the thought just came into my mind that I don’t have much longer to live. Why would such a thought come to me, you ask? I have no idea where it came from or why. When I thought about it more, I “saw” the age I’ll be in two years, and that age was the oldest I would grow. Maybe it’s just a fleeting thought, nothing more. It’s been in the back of my mind, though. How could it not be? I asked a friend who is into dream analysis and all things spiritual what he thought of it, and he said that before sleeping he would ask to be shown a sign about it (whether or not it would happen). He saw a badly wrecked gray or blue station wagon (like an old Volvo). Needless to say, ever since then I’ve looked all over the road while driving for a car that matches that description! Nothing yet…and hopefully that wrecked car was just a symbol of something else. A psychic with whom he’s close told him that the symbols in his dream might mean nothing to him, but something to me. My ex-husband drove a Volvo wagon at one point, so maybe that’s it…I don’t know.

I haven’t told R about any of this. Why upset him over something that may not happen? He’s already dealing with anxiety; I don’t wish to make it worse. And like I said, maybe it’s nothing. When I try to picture myself older though, I see nothing. It’s blank. Why is it blank? I can see my kids getting older. I need to stop this thinking…it cannot be good for me.