Fibromyalgia, parenting, love and loss

Archive for February, 2012

No more wondering

A little over a week ago now, I made a decision.  I would charge my boyfriend’s old phone and look at the texts I so often wondered about.  Now, keep in mind that this phone has not been used in two and a half years now.  It was his cell phone before he moved in with me, when I was 4 months pregnant with our now 2 year old.  If you have perused my previous posts, you know that trust has been an issue with us.  Since he moved in, he has changed and become more the kind of person I can trust.  Prior to his moving in, however, he engaged in inappropriate emails with other women.  When caught, he said that it was just a form of escape; that he never met those women in person.  The texts I found on his old phone proved otherwise.  When confronted, he admitted to having cheated on me.  This was not just with one woman, either; there were several.  One was a woman he dated before me, and he saw her a few times while he was supposed to be monogamous with me.  There were a couple he met online as well.  Two more women he fooled around with, but did not have sex with.  And then there was the one he kissed in the ocean in Hawaii.

Needless to say, I was completely devastated.  Still am.  I knew in my gut that he had cheated, and I begged him to just level with me about it.  For years, he denied having ever cheated.  He saw me tormented about it, and he kept silent.  He tells me now that he kept silent because he had painted himself into a corner.  He was lost then, and even though we had a deep connection and he knew he loved me deeply, he was running from anything with meaning.  This doesn’t surprise me; I was ready for a committed relationship back then, and he was very clear that he was not.  However, he always told me then that if he had feelings for or wanted to be with another woman, he would tell me first.  He said I deserved to know that so I could make my own choice about whether to stay with him or not.  Even though I knew in my gut he had cheated during our relationship, back then at least, I believed he had not slept with another woman.

During the time we have lived together, I’ve watched him become a father and basically a husband to me, even though we have no certificate.  He seldom goes out with his friends and has made our family and his job his world.  I know these things.  Yet, they do not take away the fact that he cheated on me and lied to me.  Anytime I look at him now, I picture him being with another woman, and it tears my heart out.

He has been as remorseful as he can be.  He has sent emails, texts, poems, he gives me gentle touches when he’s near me.  Basically he is trying in every way he can to let me know how sorry he is and how much he loves me.  I believe that he is sorry.  That doesn’t mean he is trustworthy, though.  I’m not sure how to move forward and forgive.  Maybe I never can forgive what he did, and if that’s the case, how do I build a life with someone I resent?

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Why did I get out of bed this morning?

Today’s been just lovely (she writes in her best sarcastic tone).  I discovered that my boyfriend asked that his schedule be changed from 8-6 pm to 11-9 pm, which means that we will get even less time together.  Supposedly it is so he can better watch our daughter when I go back to work (I’m on maternity leave).  No matter what the reason, he should have talked to me about first.  He does not even understand why I’m angry!  Ugh…

And after that lovely start to my day, I got a nasty Facebook message from my ex-husband‘s nasty girlfriend.  I’ve never once emailed or messaged her, and I’ve tried to be civil, even friendly over the past 6 months or so with my ex so that we can all just be peaceful.  I thought his girlfriend was on board with that.  Apparently not.  She literally messaged me completely out of the blue and then insulted me based on something on my Facebook profile.  I listed “Unfaithful” as one of my favorite movies, and she said that was perfect and that she can’t wait until the day my kids become wise to my ways.  Now, she said this as a dig because I had an affair after 15 years of being faithful.  My earlier posts go into this, but in a nutshell, I was not in love with my husband and it was time to move on.  Painful but true.  I’ll never justify having an affair.  I was wrong.  However, for her to out of the blue, after she’s been with him 2 years and we’ve never communicated personally, message me and insult me is just crazy.  Did I mention she has emotional/mental issues?  Well, she does.   So, I suppose that’s contributing to her outburst but still..it was unprovoked and I just did not need it.

After that, I got a message from Rich (my boyfriend’s) ex.  Now, I asked for this I have to say in all honesty.  She dropped me as a Facebook friend and I was curious as to why so I asked.  She’s become born-again, and so she proceeded to message me and tell me R and I should “quit shacking up” and be proper role models for our kids.  Mind you, she openly cheated on R with various men, was a meth head for years and considered letting her child go into state custody.  But she’s lecturing me now that she’s supposedly holy?  Please.  I may not be a born again Christian, but I’ve done my best to live an ethical life.  Yes, I cheated on my husband.  But-do 15 years of being faithful to someone who I was in no way sexually attracted to or in love with not count for anything?  Aside from that indiscretion, I do my best to live a moral life.  I consider other feelings before my own.  I try to live in peace.  I help people in need.  I love my kids, provide for them and have made them my world.  I’ve hung in there with my boyfriend though our struggles.  Am I perfect?  No way.  Not even close.  Do I aim for enlightenment?  Yes.  Always.

Spiritually, I believe that when negative things enter our life it’s because we attracted it.  Boy, I sure have attracted some horrible stuff today!!!  I need to stop what I have been doing, clearly.  I honestly cannot take this negativity.  It’s painful, and I got off my depression meds when I discovered I was pregnant, so I’m not feeling especially equipped to deal with this.

That’s all for today.  Hope you aren’t sorry you read this.  I just needed to get this off my shoulders.  Peace to all of you.