Fibromyalgia, parenting, love and loss

Archive for June, 2015

It’s been a while…

I haven’t blogged in so long. Life had me somewhat paralyzed, I suppose. A year ago, I found out that the reason I’d been in so much pain for years was because I have fibromyalgia. The pain was getting worse, affecting not just the spine any longer but other areas. I developed chronic fatigue, which is fairly common with fibro. There were times I just did not want to live. A life of constant pain is no life. However, I knew I had to hang on for my children. I truly wanted to watch them grow, see them become adults. Maybe a better way of putting it is that I wanted to live; I just didn’t want to live the life I was living. I saw doctor after doctor who condescended to me and I became completely fed up with medical professionals (even though they were hardly professional).
As of last week, I have a new doctor. Well, she’s a Physician Assistant. And she’s awesome! Finally! I’m now on Tramadol, which my previous asshole of a doctor refused me. This medication has given so many people with fibro their lives back. I have hope now and it’s been a long time coming.
My relationship is in a low spot again. This is hardly atypical. We’re good, then we’re not. There’s never really been a middle-ground with us. I have no idea where it’ll go from here. Maybe you reach a point where you just can’t fight to make it anymore. It’s possible we’re both at that point. I’m not giving him what he needs and he’s not meeting my needs either. I’m tired of the struggle and I’m tired of being with someone who doesn’t seem to like me. He’s been great through my fibro. Supportive, helpful and wonderful in being empathetic to how ill I have been. There’s been good mixed in with the not-so-good. We have two kids together and we’ll be tied forever because of that.
A beach vacation is coming up within the week. Maybe that time away will reconnect us. Or, maybe we’ll go and enjoy the scenery but not each other. I’m not going to get my hopes up about it. It’ll be what it’ll be and either way, we’ll be at the beach so it won’t be awful!
My eldest child just graduated high school, which is bittersweet. I’m so proud of the man he has become, but scared of him leaving the nest. I have no experience with this, so I don’t really know how to handle it. I wish for a happy, successful, fulfilled life for him. He’s brilliant and has his choice of what he wants to do with his life. I pray he makes good choices. He always has, so I expect he still will. Just have to have faith!
The ex and I have been friendlier-well, more civil may be a better word for it. It’s been nice. I can’t tolerate animosity. His new wife has made me out to be the awful ex and I cannot control her actions; I can only control mine. I hurt him and I understand it takes time to get over that, but it’s been over 7 years. Time to move on with it.
I hope to get back into writing regularly again. Even if no one reads this, it helps me. I need to “get it all out” somehow so I don’t implode. If anyone is reading this, I wish you happiness and peace. Be well.

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