Fibromyalgia, parenting, love and loss

Archive for September, 2012

An eruption in Washington

No, it wasn’t the kind of eruption you’re thinking about.  It was an eruption of the more personal kind.  R and I had it out last weekend.  I cannot even recall what started the argument; I only remember how it ended.  We were both mad as hell and so we ignored each other for the rest of the day and through the middle of the next one.  That Saturday night, we went to a favorite spot and so this helped bring us together for a time.  Fast forward to Labor Day and we had it out again.  He thought I wasn’t being supportive enough; I felt he attacked me out of the blue. 

The next day, he said he had finally given up.  He was tired of my constant negativity towards him, and that he didn’t see any way my anger for him would subside.  I have been angry at him.  Very angry.  I believe that has been my right, given the fact that he cheated on me for over two years and lied about it for years.  He caused this righteous anger, and now that it’s here, I have struggled with how to get rid of it.  It’s not like I WANT to feel this way; I don’t.  It’s a miserable feeling.  I get irritated with him easily and I feel hopeless about the future and our ability to stay together.  This seeps into all other facets of my life.  Not exactly a joyful way to move through life.

I emailed my lawyer with questions about custody and what to do, he said he wanted to move to Olympia, I told him it was game on.  Not pretty.  Well, long story short, I calmly went to him one night and asked if we could talk.  We discussed the anger, and he said it’s only been getting worse.  He’s not wrong on that score; it has gotten worse.  That’s the nature of it, though.  It builds and builds and eventually something has to give.  The reality of losing him, of losing what we have, made me stop and evaluate everything.  What do I do?  Do I really want a life that doesn’t include him as my partner?  Is there any hope of ever moving past this?

At the bottom of everything-all the anger, the lies, the pain and resentment, there is love.  Deep love.  He is someone I’m attracted to, interested in, and one who can help me grow as a person.  While he could use improvement on the face-to-face communication thing, he’s remarkably tolerant, exceptionally smart and funny, and a devoted father to our children.  He’s unlike anyone I’ve ever known and I believe my life would be diminished if he were not in it.  Maybe knowing this is a start.  When I’m at my angriest or most hopeless, I need to remind myself of the love that is there.  He’s my family.  I suppose I need to work on taking him as he is and finding a way to plow through the hurt to get to the abundance of love that exists.

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Where is she?

I consider myself a friendly person, and so I have many casual friends.  I work primarily with men, and I am quite close with two of them.  Strictly platonic on my part (they both would like more if I would offer it), and it’s nice to have people I can share my thoughts with, especially given the year I’ve had.  What’s the problem,then?  Well…all my life I have wanted a female best friend.  One I can always count on to be there, one who knows I would be there for her in a split second if ever she needed me, one who would love my children and be a source of guidance for them as they grow up.  Where is she?

I thought I found that friend seven or so years ago when I lived in a neighborhood in Maple Valley with my then husband and our three kids.  Sarah lived a couple doors down.  One day, I was at the neighborhood park literally right outside my front door, and she was there with her kids.  She asked me a question, I think it was “how are you?”  I started welling up because our dog had just died in my arms.  The dog, Chance, was a beloved family member. We knew he was dying, and so we recognized when the time had come.  It was both beautiful and awful at the same time, being there as he died.  I knew we needed to do that for him-offer him that comfort-as he passed into the next world.

That next day, emotions were raw.  Sarah showed up at just the right time, and we were close from that point on.  We had neighborhood barbecues and were friendly with a few other couples on the block, and it truly was idyllic.  I’ve never experienced anything like that before.  We went on a trip to Vancouver, BC together (we three couples), our kids played together.  God, I miss that.  We were renting that house even though it was newly built.  After living there two years, we had to make a decision to either buy it or move out.  For various reasons, we chose to move.  We settled in a town 30 minutes away from Maple Valley, and it was never the same again.  Sarah and I drifted apart.  I went through a divorce, depression, meeting Rich, and two pregnancies and she was not there for any of it.  I know now that she was having her own marital issues back then.  She and her husband were always fighting, but underneath the fighting there seemed to be love.  She was a hoarder and this fact made him crazy. He would gather up armfuls of clothing she had bought and never worn, and take them all to Goodwill. He was a salesman-full of shit to a large degree but a nice guy.

I guess these annoyances multiplied in the years she and I were out of touch ( we messaged on Facebook but we only saw each other once in a 5 year period).  Sarah, her twins, my 2-year-old and I got together at a children’s gymnastics place 5 months ago.  We talked as if no time had passed and it was great, but nothing changed.  She went back to her life and I went back to mine.  So, she obviously is not the “she” I have been looking for all my life.

I need a close female friend.  It would be so comforting to have that special person in my world.  I believe I would be a wonderful friend to her, too.  I’m the kind of person who offers guidance when asked, but otherwise just listens.  People seem to like that about me-the listening part, I mean.  So many of us are never really “heard.”  Lots of people listen, but few truly hear what we are saying.  I’ve prayed about finding my best friend, but she hasn’t made her appearance yet.  Wherever you are, I’m waiting with an open heart.Image

It’s Been a While

I haven’t written in ages, largely because I have not really come up with any additional answers. My day is filled with the new baby (now 7 months old), my 2 year old and my three older boys.  Then there’s work and the numerous responsibilities and stressors that go along with my job.  It’s not all bad.  I help people, feel I’m contributing something positive in the world.  Hell, I’m fortunate to have a job i this economy.

I guess I just would have thought that I would have more answers about my relationship with R, his infidelity, and where in the world we’re going from here.  Our relationship is a day to day process.  One day, I’m convinced I will never forgive his infidelities and lies.  Then we’ll laugh at our kids together, marvel in their brilliance and for that moment at least, we’re a family.  There’s no question in those moments about leaving him, because I cannot envision a future that didn’t include him, that didn’t include our togetherness.

We had one hell of a battle a couple days ago.  He basically told me he couldn’t continue to take my negativity toward him-that he fucked up and he knows it, but he cannot take it back and I obviously cannot forgive him.  It’s the closest he’s come to really sounding like he’s done with “us.”  I promptly got online and filled out an application for state assistance to pay for daycare. He works from home and thus has been able to watch the kids while working.  If we break up, I need daycare pronto.  Then yesterday after he finished working, we walked along the water in Tacoma (a favorite spot of ours), went home and made love, and so for now, we’re closer.  It could all change tomorrow, however.

My ex-husband got remarried today.  I suppose I should have mixed feelings about it, but I really do not.  I think it’s a mistake.  She’s crazier than a bag of cats.  I guess there’s always hope that her medication will work and help her to be stable.  I’ve never heard that she’s unkind to my children, and clearly my ex loves her, so maybe there’s hope.  There’s always hope…

Do I feel sad that he’s moved on with someone else?  No.  I wish great love in this life for him.  I hope that the person he loves returns that love.  We all deserve that.  I have that great love with R.  I just don’t know that it is enough.  Love doesn’t cause pain to vanish.  Love doesn’t undo years of lies.  Love doesn’t erase the mental images I have of R sleeping with numerous random women.  Or, maybe love can do all those things.  Maybe I’m not giving it the chance to heal me, to heal our relationship.

If anyone out there reading this has been through this and found the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, I would love to hear from you.  Tell me how you moved forward, how you found forgiveness, how your depth of love brought you through great pain.  Those are the answers I need, and for now at least, they have remained hidden, crouched in a corner in the darkness of my heart.