No, it wasn’t the kind of eruption you’re thinking about. It was an eruption of the more personal kind. R and I had it out last weekend. I cannot even recall what started the argument; I only remember how it ended. We were both mad as hell and so we ignored each other for the rest of the day and through the middle of the next one. That Saturday night, we went to a favorite spot and so this helped bring us together for a time. Fast forward to Labor Day and we had it out again. He thought I wasn’t being supportive enough; I felt he attacked me out of the blue.
The next day, he said he had finally given up. He was tired of my constant negativity towards him, and that he didn’t see any way my anger for him would subside. I have been angry at him. Very angry. I believe that has been my right, given the fact that he cheated on me for over two years and lied about it for years. He caused this righteous anger, and now that it’s here, I have struggled with how to get rid of it. It’s not like I WANT to feel this way; I don’t. It’s a miserable feeling. I get irritated with him easily and I feel hopeless about the future and our ability to stay together. This seeps into all other facets of my life. Not exactly a joyful way to move through life.
I emailed my lawyer with questions about custody and what to do, he said he wanted to move to Olympia, I told him it was game on. Not pretty. Well, long story short, I calmly went to him one night and asked if we could talk. We discussed the anger, and he said it’s only been getting worse. He’s not wrong on that score; it has gotten worse. That’s the nature of it, though. It builds and builds and eventually something has to give. The reality of losing him, of losing what we have, made me stop and evaluate everything. What do I do? Do I really want a life that doesn’t include him as my partner? Is there any hope of ever moving past this?
At the bottom of everything-all the anger, the lies, the pain and resentment, there is love. Deep love. He is someone I’m attracted to, interested in, and one who can help me grow as a person. While he could use improvement on the face-to-face communication thing, he’s remarkably tolerant, exceptionally smart and funny, and a devoted father to our children. He’s unlike anyone I’ve ever known and I believe my life would be diminished if he were not in it. Maybe knowing this is a start. When I’m at my angriest or most hopeless, I need to remind myself of the love that is there. He’s my family. I suppose I need to work on taking him as he is and finding a way to plow through the hurt to get to the abundance of love that exists.