I’ve been in my head lately (well, as usual) thinking about the past-R’s cheating, my having no clue at the time and trying to understand it all now. Like I’ve said before, sometimes I think I’ve moved on and healed from his cheating, and then other times it bites me in the ass all over again and I’m left sad and confused and ultimately angry. One thing I’ve considered is watching him actually be with another woman. Crazy idea? Quite possibly. But stay with me, folks. I have thought and thought about his being with other women-tried to picture it in my head and wondered what he did with them. Was it garden variety, or was it full-out crazy and passionate? What expressions did he have on his face? Maybe I need to just see it all in real life rather than what I’ve made up in my head. Then I would have some inkling as to what went down four years ago during his infidelities.
These thoughts led me to ask him about it, and his response was “no way.” He thought it was a terrible idea; that it would damage us. He said he would not in any way be comfortable with it. As we talked, I asked about our being together with another couple at the same time. He hated that thought, too. R would not want to watch another man touch me-he’d want to rip his head off and shove it down his throat.
This discussion might ordinarily lead to an argument since it revolved around his past infidelities, but I’m happy to say that it did not. It became a little heated at one point, but was quickly defused. As the conversation went on, I asked if he could have both-the relationship we have now as well as permission to be with others if he wanted, would he? He asked “if we could have what we have now-a healthy, stable, happy life together?” I replied “yes.” He said “Well, that would be hard to turn down.” So, there it is. He admitted that he’d like to have his cake and eat it, too and I suspect that the majority of men would admit to that if they were being completely honest. He acknowledged that if he could be with other women, but not damage his life with me, he would do it. The fact that he wants to be with another (or others) hurts me, sure. However, I have to look at myself and wonder if I feel the same way? If I could basically be unrestricted in my love life without causing damage to R, would I? Maybe…
For the bulk of our relationship, I’ve said and firmly felt that I would not want to be with another man. R has always been enough. Then last year, I had the affair when our relationship was at it lowest and in my mind, doomed to fail. I saw that what I felt for the other man was separate from what I felt for R. One did not diminish the other. So, maybe we each could agree to be open without causing damage. These are all just ponderings, mind you. None of this is even likely to happen; I’m just wondering about it all. Do I want to be with someone who in his heart of hearts would like to be free to be with another? Should I stifle that need? If I am being entirely honest, I do not believe humans are naturally monogamous. We force ourselves to be for innumerable reasons, but that doesn’t mean we are monogamous creatures by nature. If you love someone, should you restrict them? How is that healthy?
Having said all this, I must admit that just casually being intimate with someone has never been my thing. If love isn’t there, I’m not interested in sleeping together. Men are different, though. They can separate more easily. I would think that being with someone, especially the same person over and over again, would create feelings, intimacy and open up the possibility of falling in love with that person. That would obviously be detrimental to our relationship. So-how does one have lovers but not fall in love?