Fibromyalgia, parenting, love and loss

Archive for May, 2013

Is Monogamy Even Possible?

I’ve been in my head lately (well, as usual) thinking about the past-R’s cheating, my having no clue at the time and trying to understand it all now. Like I’ve said before, sometimes I think I’ve moved on and healed from his cheating, and then other times it bites me in the ass all over again and I’m left sad and confused and ultimately angry. One thing I’ve considered is watching him actually be with another woman. Crazy idea? Quite possibly. But stay with me, folks. I have thought and thought about his being with other women-tried to picture it in my head and wondered what he did with them. Was it garden variety, or was it full-out crazy and passionate? What expressions did he have on his face? Maybe I need to just see it all in real life rather than what I’ve made up in my head. Then I would have some inkling as to what went down four years ago during his infidelities.

These thoughts led me to ask him about it, and his response was “no way.” He thought it was a terrible idea; that it would damage us. He said he would not in any way be comfortable with it. As we talked, I asked about our being together with another couple at the same time. He hated that thought, too. R would not want to watch another man touch me-he’d want to rip his head off and shove it down his throat.
This discussion might ordinarily lead to an argument since it revolved around his past infidelities, but I’m happy to say that it did not. It became a little heated at one point, but was quickly defused. As the conversation went on, I asked if he could have both-the relationship we have now as well as permission to be with others if he wanted, would he? He asked “if we could have what we have now-a healthy, stable, happy life together?” I replied “yes.” He said “Well, that would be hard to turn down.” So, there it is. He admitted that he’d like to have his cake and eat it, too and I suspect that the majority of men would admit to that if they were being completely honest. He acknowledged that if he could be with other women, but not damage his life with me, he would do it. The fact that he wants to be with another (or others) hurts me, sure. However, I have to look at myself and wonder if I feel the same way? If I could basically be unrestricted in my love life without causing damage to R, would I? Maybe…

For the bulk of our relationship, I’ve said and firmly felt that I would not want to be with another man. R has always been enough. Then last year, I had the affair when our relationship was at it lowest and in my mind, doomed to fail. I saw that what I felt for the other man was separate from what I felt for R. One did not diminish the other. So, maybe we each could agree to be open without causing damage. These are all just ponderings, mind you. None of this is even likely to happen; I’m just wondering about it all. Do I want to be with someone who in his heart of hearts would like to be free to be with another? Should I stifle that need? If I am being entirely honest, I do not believe humans are naturally monogamous. We force ourselves to be for innumerable reasons, but that doesn’t mean we are monogamous creatures by nature. If you love someone, should you restrict them? How is that healthy?

Having said all this, I must admit that just casually being intimate with someone has never been my thing. If love isn’t there, I’m not interested in sleeping together. Men are different, though. They can separate more easily. I would think that being with someone, especially the same person over and over again, would create feelings, intimacy and open up the possibility of falling in love with that person. That would obviously be detrimental to our relationship. So-how does one have lovers but not fall in love?

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Dragged under

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R and I haven’t really been speaking since Saturday. The reasons aren’t really important; it was a fight. The main issue is that we didn’t communicate effectively to get past it. It’s the same old, same old, and that was supposed to change. We had promised to work on our communication, and most of the time, we have been. Now it feels like I’m in the same boat I was in before where I’m miserable, down, frustrated and alone. I love him with a passion I’ve never felt for anyone, but with that passion comes the lows. Those lows drag me under and I don’t know that I (or we) can survive it. To move through a house with someone, but not speak or share is awkward and wounding. It’s not that I want this; I don’t. Yet, I was/am angry with him and he doesn’t understand why and I don’t agree with his views on our argument and how I was supposedly wrong, and so we’re at a standstill. Then I sink deeper and deeper and cannot see the sunlight.

I would never want my parents’ relationship for various reasons, but one thing I do find positive is their constant love and friendship. They were always united-a team. I would like to have that in my relationship. Constancy. Security. Loyalty. Friendship. I have had so little in my life that I can count on, so my home-life is where I must have that stability and warmth. It can’t come and then leave me; I cannot live like that. Well, I cannot live like that happily or peacefully. Right now, I’m not ready to go crawling to him and he feels the same, and so I have no clue how to proceed. I work all day and want to go home, but then when I get home I feel awkward and angry and very much alone (except for with my children, obviously).

My mood is low, and that’s not helping me recover from the argument. I feel hopeless and sad and the tears will come almost without warning. I do not even remember what it feels like to not have mood swings. To live feeling joyful and truly at peace in all facets of my life would be so wonderful, yet it’s been so elusive and I do not understand why. I read the self-help books, I pray and nurture my soul and have earnestly sought growth. It feels like one step forward and two steps back and that’s no way to live.

Good days…not so good days

Some days I wake up and have an overall sense of the growth that’s happened in my life. I feel a letting go of my mate’s past infidelities, or at least a greater understanding of why they happened then and why they won’t happen again. Other days I feel vulnerable again. Maybe I wear my past wounds like a protective blanket and I’m not ready to totally let go. R has been pretty sheltered in our years of living together. He works from home as a writer and he watches our little ones at the same time, so he’s not exposed to other women. It’s easy to remain faithful. He hasn’t even had a Facebook account until this week, and that was because of my encouragement. I hadn’t wanted him to go on Facebook because I knew that would open the door to contact with women from his past, and a lot of his screwing around on me came from Myspace and other online sites. So, naturally I was reluctant. He said he did not really want an account either, so it was fine. Then I realized that now, I need to open that door and test the waters. We both do. He cannot be faithful only because he’s sheltered, and I need to know that he is someone I can now trust. Even if an old flame contacts him, I need to see that he will handle it appropriately. I cannot blame other women for being interested in him-he’s an interesting, deep, sexy man. However, I can blame him for his actions.

I wonder if anyone can be fully trusted. Can I? Or will I always have a part of me that says “R screwed me over so royally that he deserves what he gets.” I hope not. That’s not the person I wish to be in this world. We all have temptations, though. He will, if he doesn’t already. Are people inherently selfish? Lots of questions today…and very few answers. Well, the answers are within me; it’s just a matter of whether or not I choose to see them.