My marriage ended in 2007 after 16 years. I’m the one who pulled the plug. We got along fine, well even, the majority of our marriage. Yet, something was missing. We were best friends and he felt passionate about me, but I didn’t share those feelings. I desperately wanted to, but you cannot force such things.
We came together at a time when we needed each other. I think it was a successful union. We shared three beautiful boys. Before we had them, his support helped me get sober. I was a stay-at-home mom then, so I provided a stable home for our family and that stability helped him grow in his career. It seemed like we could divorce amicably, and for a time we did. Then he met (and later married ) a woman young enough to be his daughter. She did not have the maturity to accept that he had a past. She created a wedge between us and he went along with it. He becomes whomever he is with. I call him a chameleon. She’s bipolar and can go through bouts of rage. Out of the blue, I received nasty emails from her. She inserted herself into my marriage with him, insulted me and it was vicious. Her darkness is palpable. As an INFJ personality type, I feel other’s energy. This makes conflict really hard on me emotionally and physically. Through the years, I’ve received many cruel emails from him regarding our kids.
We are different kinds of parents. He’s more hardcore, I’m more understanding. I pay attention to their emotional well-being while his sole focus is their grades. I care about their grades of course, but I would rather come from a point of finding out what the problem is, rather than just grounding them. So, because of our boys we still have to interact. It’s always via email. There have been some friendly emails, which is nice. However, I never know when he is going to go off about something. He has taken on her darkness as his own. I don’t even recognize him anymore.
Every time I see an email from him, I have an anxiety attack. I meditate, pray about it, try to distance myself from his anger. I still struggle, though. I wish I could successfully let my anxiety go. I’m also chronically ill, so any additional stress makes my pain that much worse. I don’t want to wish the remaining years I have with my boys away until they’re adults. I know this time is precious. Our 18 year old moved out already, and it’s bittersweet. Yet, I cannot wait until I do not have to deal with him. He’s poisonous. I’m a peaceful person. I do not want conflict. I tried to help all of us be friendly, but she would have no part of it. I know their relationship will end eventually and maybe he’ll truly find himself then. I hope so.
I will keep searching for ways to help myself cope. I know this is happening to teach me to deal with conflict, but I’m tired of this lesson already! It’s all just too much. I don’t regret leaving him, but I would have been shocked if anyone had told me then the person he would show himself to be now. I never saw it coming. I take it as a lesson that you truly never know someone. Anyone can leap into the darkness.
a successful marriage, even though it ended. It wasn’t a failure. We had three beautiful boys together. His support helped me get sober and I gave him a stable home. I developed feelings for another, and I knew it was time to end it. What was missing in our marriage, at least for me, would never be found.