Fibromyalgia, parenting, love and loss

Archive for March, 2012

Where’s the happy ending?

I’ve been lost in my head again today, wading through my memories as well as old emails in search of something, anything that will explain why R cheated on me.  Myspace messages he sent years ago, poems he wrote for me, love he expressed….and all the while he was having sex with other women.  I feel so sad for the woman I was then.  I was so in love-consumed, really.  The wanting of him was palpable.  And still, even after all that has happened, I want him still.  Deeply.  Profoundly.  Desperately.

Yet the person I feel all those things for betrayed me.  We still move around the same house; we still make love.  Heck, we make love now more than we have in a long time.  The chemistry was always there, but with busy lives and a house full of children, as well as a recent pregnancy, we didn’t make the time we should have for intimacy.  So now we reach out to each other because we know we could lose this love we have, and it could all be lost not over who he is now, but who he was then.

I shut the bathroom door and wept a little bit ago-just overcome with sorrow over where we are now.  I honestly don’t know if I have it in me to get over this.  Sometimes you can’t find the door, so you remain locked in your room of misery forever.  I want so much to let go of this pain and move forward with our family and this shared life we’ve carved out.  How I’ll do this escapes me at the moment, though, and that absolutely breaks my heart.

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Now what?

On this rather gray Saturday morning, I’m lounging on the couch in my long johns (well, actually they are R’s long johns), sipping on hot coffee and feeling a little lost.  Not step in front of a train lost, just rather unsure of where I am and where I need to go.

R and I have been talking about his infidelity.  I’ve asked question after question to try to make sense of it all.  I hacked into his Myspace page (which I always viewed as the holy grail of getting to the truth of whether or not he cheated) and saw message after message from various women-some of whom he had slept with at one point or another, and some of whom were just friends.  Some seemed like women I’d actually like, and others were vapid and more than a little irritating.  All of these conversations happened years ago, back when Myspace was actually “cool.”

Does the fact that his infidelity happened years ago help me in dealing with it now?  Yes and no.  Yes because I see and know that he’s changed.  He’s grown into a partner and a father, and that has meaning.  No because he lied to me about whether or not he cheated for YEARS.  To say that caused “damage” is putting it mildly.  Not only am I faced with trying to find forgiveness for his cheating, but I’m also struggling to forgive the fact that he knew I was tormented by the possibility of it for years and he said NOTHING.

I left a voicemail with a marriage counselor on Friday.  We would have to take our 2 year old as well as our infant with us, because we have no family in town or trusted babysitter.  Hopefully we will find someone who will allow us to bring them.  I honestly see no way of getting past this without outside help.  One minute I’m so in love with him I can’t see straight and want nothing more than to hold him and feel him make love to me, and the next minute I am so angry at him I could spit.  Then the agonizing, tear your insides out kind of hurt makes it presence known too, and I feel like I can’t withstand the weight of the pain. 

So here I sit, with a life that surrounds me and people who need me, and I wonder how I am ever going to feel whole again. 

Dealing with reality

It’s been three weeks since I found out about my boyfriend’s cheating.  He’s not just a boyfriend to me; we live together, have two children.  We’re a family and we’ve built this shared life.  I’m devastated.  There’s no other word for it.  I have my moments where I function and am okay.  I can even smile at times.  Then out of the blue, I’ll see an image in my head of him having sex with someone else, and I am filled with sadness and anger.  I just cannot wrap my mind around how he could have done that to me, given that he supposedly loved me so much at the time.

He has tried to explain where he was in his head years ago when the cheating happened.  He fell in love with me, but it was a relationship/commitment he was not ready for.  Rich is or was the wildest person with whom I had ever had a relationship.  His life was about running after pleasure, and I was coming from an ended marriage, motherhood, and the desire to have a close and monogamous relationship with him.  I loved him so deeply it literally hurt.  I could tell him anything; make myself completely vulnerable to him in a way I never had with any other man.  It was new and beautiful territory and I was captivated and afraid at the same time.  Rich and I worked together, but outside of work we saw each other sometimes every couple of weeks, sometimes more often, but never as often as I wanted.  I thought at the time that when he wasn’t with me, he was with his friends.  Now I know that some of the time, he was with other women.  Yes, plural.  He cheated on me throughout a two-year period, and he did so with a handful of women.  No, we weren’t living together then and the relationship certainly was not what I wanted, but he maintained at the time that he was being monogamous.  He told me “If I have those feelings for someone and am considering being with them, I’ll tell you because you deserve to know that.”  At first, I truly believed that he was being faithful.  Then when I was newly pregnant and he was now living with me, I discovered sexual emails with other (Craigslist) women.  He swore that it was an escape; that he had never met them in person.  I had my doubts, but believed him.  Still…in my gut I knew that at some point in our relationship, he had cheated.  It ate at me for years.  I looked at his email whenever I got the chance, searching desperately for clues.

A few weeks ago, I decided to charge an old cell phone of his.  I had known where it was for months, but did nothing.  I prayed to God, asking him to please let me see the truth once and for all.  Ask and ye shall receive.  I charged the phone and saw texts with a women that were sexual.  I used my phone to text her, and she told me he had been to her house over two years ago (right before he moved in with me).  I confronted him, and he told me that he had been with others.  We had a huge fight, and the next day, he was remorseful.  We emailed back and forth (we communicate better that way, as he’s a writer) and he tried to explain himself.  He pleaded for forgiveness and asked me to see how much he has changed since we’ve lived together.  R swore it would never happen again, that given the person he has become and the nature of our relationship now, he never could do that again.  These emails and in-person talks have continued over the weeks.  We even spent the weekend with his folks, and his dad tried to help us hash it out.

The reality of the fact that we could lose each other has made us reach out to each other sexually over these few weeks, oddly enough.  Funny how infidelity reignited our passion.  So here we are, living in the same house, reaching out to each other and alternately I move away from him in my sad moments.  I believe he is different now; I’ve seen his growth over the nearly three years we’ve lived together.  He is the best father I could hope for to our children.  I love him in a way I’ve never loved any man, and I hope we can move past this and share a life.  I just don’t know how I’m going to forgive.  Can I?  That’s the question, I suppose.  Will I ever be able to look at him and not see images of him sleeping with another (many others)?  Will or should I ever trust him again?  What reason has he given me to trust him?  And does the fact that he’s matured and is faithful now mean that I should forgive the fact that he was immature and unfaithful then?