Fibromyalgia, parenting, love and loss

Archive for February, 2013

Scabbed-over wounds

I’ve remained silent on WordPress for a time.  Mostly because I’m busy living my life and also because I’ve felt quiet.  It’s been months now since R and I almost fell apart for good.  We’ve been working at rebuilding what was so badly damaged through the years.  I do my best to no longer let myself think of his past infidelities.  Neither of us can change the fact that he cheated on me the first half of our relationship.  It sucks, it’s horrible and it tore me in two.  It’s done, though.  He isn’t the same person who caused that harm; he’s grown and opened up, become a father and transformed his life.  The anger I felt toward him was poisoning me.  I had to let it go.

Has he forgiven me for my one-time affair?  I think so (I certainly hope so).  He still brings up my coworker and asks if we talk at work.  I don’t sense that he is any closer to allowing us to be friends and for now, I’m not pushing it.  I’ve tried to explain that the bulk of my relationship with my coworker was as close friends-strictly platonic.  I turned to him when I was certain that R and I were over for good.  I saw no hope for repair.  So, I let my deep connection to my coworker become more of my focus and I let my feelings of friendship develop into something more.

For the most part, things with R and I have remained good.  We’re getting along, talking of the future (marriage), going on dates and moving forward.  We had one blow up, but we made up within a day, so progress has been made!  In the past, I would’ve just “shut off” and remained angry far longer.  Thank God for growth, huh?!  I’ve tried to heal myself physically, too.  I was in a car accident a couple of years ago that left me with chronic spinal pain.  Chiropractic stopped helping, so I’m now seeing a massage therapist who practices Kundalini massage.  I’m trying to “be in my body” more so that I can re-learn how to relax my always-tight muscles.  Also, I have tried to heal emotionally, too.  I don’t want to live in anger or worry any longer.  I no longer choose drama in my life.  Peace is what I need and seek.  Peace for myself, peace for my children, R and all those I love.  I spent so long worrying about everything that I forgot how to live in joy.  Sure, there were joyful moments, but it’s almost as if I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I take St. John’s Wort for my depression (I take double the dosage recommended on the bottle), and it helps.  Of course, I keep Valium on hand in case the anxiety gets too bad.

I love you

Kava root is something else I turn to.  Hell, whatever helps.  The “down moments” happen less often now.   I was low last night, but it was brought on by seeing a tv show on a blown glass artist.  My coworker and I went to an exhibit of his, and so it reminded me of the friendship I can no longer have with him, and it saddened me.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.  Mostly, I try to not think of it because then I’ll start to worry.  There’s life here and now.  This moment is all I have, all any of us have.  In this moment, I choose love and peace.

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