Fibromyalgia, parenting, love and loss

Archive for January, 2012

Who are we really?

Mass-produced colour photolithography on paper...

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In my quiet moments, I reflect on “us” and I weep.  Well, either that or I’m filled with joy at the depth of love I feel for you.  There’s no middle-ground; never has been.  I see couples (I was one of those couples once upon a time) who have relatively smooth sailing in their relationship.  They may not be Romeo and Juliet-passionate, but they understand each other and move through life as friends and helpmates.  That kind of stability would be so wonderful to share with you….

Maybe I just need to change the way I look at “us.”  We live together, we share two children, we’re making plans and building a life.  That’s stable, right?  We just aren’t married.  We have our moments when we’re really hot, and other moments where we move through life in the same house, but are distant from each other, each lost in our own heads.  Leave it to me to fall in love with someone who gets stuck in that private inner world like I do…

When you retreat, I wonder where you are and what thoughts are swirling in your head.  I feel insecure and look for clues that will tell me if you love me still-I mean really love me.  Staying together for practicality’s sake is something I’ll never do again.  I’d rather struggle on my own that live with someone I don’t deeply love or who doesn’t deeply love me.  Can I count on you to level with me if you’ve lost what you once felt?  I don’t think so, and that frightens me.

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