Fibromyalgia, parenting, love and loss

Archive for the ‘Reflections’ Category

Working on Myself

I’m someone who has been actively paying attention here and there for a long time now to my patterns of thought, especially the negative patterns.  Self-improvement is important to me. Enlightenment is the goal. Yet, it can be easy to ruminate and get stuck. Chronic illness and the anxiety that often accompanies that illness compound the problem.

However, I am tired of being miserable. Yes, I am in pain. I have a great deal of stress, but so do many people. I have to make this life, illness and all, the best life it can be. By changing my thinking, I can change my reality. I’ve utilized EFT, or tapping, in the past. Yet, I haven’t done it regularly. I have been tapping more, and I am noticing a difference. While driving, I am listening to more upbeat music. I’m making self care more of a priority. Getting control over my emotions plays a huge part in my happiness. When a negative thought surfaces, I am now looking at it and finding the positive. If I can’t, then I am learning to accept what is and move forward anyway. This is a new, daily way of being. Sure, I’ve done similar things before, but eventually revert to old patterns. It feels different now. Maybe because I cannot take the anxiety and toxicity any longer. I’m simply done living that way.

If I consciously pay attention to each or at least most of my thoughts, then eventually I will not have to work so hard. It will become my natural state of being. That’s the hope, anyway.

Stay tuned!

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Will the sun shine again?

I’ve always loved Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles.  It’s a song brimming with hope- the certainty that life will get better. A new day is dawning.  I remember feeling that way once upon a time. I was young and had no idea what life held in store. I suppose that I’m glad I was unaware. Sometimes being left in the dark is kinder.

I’m in the middle of my time on this earth, at least for this go-round. I am a mom to 5 amazing children and have a partner I’ve shared 10 years with. We’ve built a life together, and it’s been both beautiful and tragic. I feel I’m at a crossroads at the moment. I long to quit my job and move on to something better, but what if it doesn’t exist?  I strive to become physically well, but who knows if that will happen? I long for the days I no longer have to communicate with my bitter ex, but then that would mean our children are grown and that saddens me.

I am on a constant search for enlightenment, but know it’s already within me, waiting for me to finally tap into it. I do EFT, aka tapping,  to help with my anxiety. I meditate, but not daily and of course I beat myself up over it. I will experience moments of wisdom, clarity and peace. Why must they be so fleeting? The first sign of trouble, and the anxiety sets in and I ruminate and spin my squeaky wheels like so many times before.

Will there ever be lasting peace of mind and contenment with my life? Or are those only reserved for a select few? Those light, easy souls who traipse through life joyfully, blissfully ignorant of how fortunate they are.

Why did I choose to have these struggles? I believe that choice was made on a soul level prior to my birth. Christ, I must be a masochist. Nah, I know intuitively that’s not true. I’m just tired of the merry-go-round. There has to be a ray of hope for me to continue to choose life. That ray is my children. I’m beyond blessed that I get the privilege of loving and raising them. I need to do more than exist for others, though. One day they will all be grown and here I will be. My passions in life need to thrive. They are always in the background, waiting to be noticed. I see them occasionally and say “someday, ” as if there’s always more time. What if there isn’t? What if I never pick up a paintbrush again, or write that children’s story? What if I never become an energy healer? All these dreams.. and then there is real life. Brutal, kick you in the knees life.

 

 

Struggle

I’ve decided that I’m over the struggling. It’s taken many forms throughout my life, and probably yours, too. What purpose does it serve? To help us grow, appreciate the joy when it comes?

It doesn’t need to be this way. I’m making a statement to you, Universe! I am choosing joy. The question is- how do I get there? I am meditating more. Not daily yet, but more and that’s something, right? Baby steps.

I had two weeks of sheer hell at work. Not just the usual stress, but over the top, I am seriously about to tell you all to suck it stress. If I weren’t supporting my entire family, I would have walked the fuck out. Then there has been financial stress. I’ve been the sole breadwinner for 15 months. I work for a nonprofit, so I’m far from wealthy yet. I say “yet” because someone has to win Powerball. It might as well be me!

My anxiety has gone through the roof. I ordered rhodiola rosea as well as suntheanine herbals. They are supposed to help with mood among other things, so worth a shot! My first try will be tomorrow. Wish me luck!

I wonder about folks who seem to coast through life. No big problems, they seem happy. Was it a before life choice they made on a soul level? Why didn’t I choose that? And can I change that choice now? My moodiness is becoming my undoing. I cannot be the Mom, mate or human being in general that I wish to be if I can’t get my moods under control.

I used to be pretty content. I mean, I was always somewhat neurotic, but aren’t we all? I was more positive, though. I didn’t work outside of the home then. When you commute 3 hours a day in Seattle traffic, work for a job that pays you too little and does not appreciate your ass-busting, the bills are overdue and it’s all your responsibility to pay them, it’s harder to be cheery. Not to mention the chronic pain of fibromyalgia. I realize that on some level, I’ve chosen it all. I simply do not choose it now.

Life is making a turnaround for the better. The times they are a changing. I am making it so.

It’s been a while…

I haven’t blogged in so long. Life had me somewhat paralyzed, I suppose. A year ago, I found out that the reason I’d been in so much pain for years was because I have fibromyalgia. The pain was getting worse, affecting not just the spine any longer but other areas. I developed chronic fatigue, which is fairly common with fibro. There were times I just did not want to live. A life of constant pain is no life. However, I knew I had to hang on for my children. I truly wanted to watch them grow, see them become adults. Maybe a better way of putting it is that I wanted to live; I just didn’t want to live the life I was living. I saw doctor after doctor who condescended to me and I became completely fed up with medical professionals (even though they were hardly professional).
As of last week, I have a new doctor. Well, she’s a Physician Assistant. And she’s awesome! Finally! I’m now on Tramadol, which my previous asshole of a doctor refused me. This medication has given so many people with fibro their lives back. I have hope now and it’s been a long time coming.
My relationship is in a low spot again. This is hardly atypical. We’re good, then we’re not. There’s never really been a middle-ground with us. I have no idea where it’ll go from here. Maybe you reach a point where you just can’t fight to make it anymore. It’s possible we’re both at that point. I’m not giving him what he needs and he’s not meeting my needs either. I’m tired of the struggle and I’m tired of being with someone who doesn’t seem to like me. He’s been great through my fibro. Supportive, helpful and wonderful in being empathetic to how ill I have been. There’s been good mixed in with the not-so-good. We have two kids together and we’ll be tied forever because of that.
A beach vacation is coming up within the week. Maybe that time away will reconnect us. Or, maybe we’ll go and enjoy the scenery but not each other. I’m not going to get my hopes up about it. It’ll be what it’ll be and either way, we’ll be at the beach so it won’t be awful!
My eldest child just graduated high school, which is bittersweet. I’m so proud of the man he has become, but scared of him leaving the nest. I have no experience with this, so I don’t really know how to handle it. I wish for a happy, successful, fulfilled life for him. He’s brilliant and has his choice of what he wants to do with his life. I pray he makes good choices. He always has, so I expect he still will. Just have to have faith!
The ex and I have been friendlier-well, more civil may be a better word for it. It’s been nice. I can’t tolerate animosity. His new wife has made me out to be the awful ex and I cannot control her actions; I can only control mine. I hurt him and I understand it takes time to get over that, but it’s been over 7 years. Time to move on with it.
I hope to get back into writing regularly again. Even if no one reads this, it helps me. I need to “get it all out” somehow so I don’t implode. If anyone is reading this, I wish you happiness and peace. Be well.