Fibromyalgia, parenting, love and loss

Archive for December, 2017

Will the sun shine again?

I’ve always loved Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles.  It’s a song brimming with hope- the certainty that life will get better. A new day is dawning.  I remember feeling that way once upon a time. I was young and had no idea what life held in store. I suppose that I’m glad I was unaware. Sometimes being left in the dark is kinder.

I’m in the middle of my time on this earth, at least for this go-round. I am a mom to 5 amazing children and have a partner I’ve shared 10 years with. We’ve built a life together, and it’s been both beautiful and tragic. I feel I’m at a crossroads at the moment. I long to quit my job and move on to something better, but what if it doesn’t exist?  I strive to become physically well, but who knows if that will happen? I long for the days I no longer have to communicate with my bitter ex, but then that would mean our children are grown and that saddens me.

I am on a constant search for enlightenment, but know it’s already within me, waiting for me to finally tap into it. I do EFT, aka tapping,  to help with my anxiety. I meditate, but not daily and of course I beat myself up over it. I will experience moments of wisdom, clarity and peace. Why must they be so fleeting? The first sign of trouble, and the anxiety sets in and I ruminate and spin my squeaky wheels like so many times before.

Will there ever be lasting peace of mind and contenment with my life? Or are those only reserved for a select few? Those light, easy souls who traipse through life joyfully, blissfully ignorant of how fortunate they are.

Why did I choose to have these struggles? I believe that choice was made on a soul level prior to my birth. Christ, I must be a masochist. Nah, I know intuitively that’s not true. I’m just tired of the merry-go-round. There has to be a ray of hope for me to continue to choose life. That ray is my children. I’m beyond blessed that I get the privilege of loving and raising them. I need to do more than exist for others, though. One day they will all be grown and here I will be. My passions in life need to thrive. They are always in the background, waiting to be noticed. I see them occasionally and say “someday, ” as if there’s always more time. What if there isn’t? What if I never pick up a paintbrush again, or write that children’s story? What if I never become an energy healer? All these dreams.. and then there is real life. Brutal, kick you in the knees life.