Fibromyalgia, parenting, love and loss

Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

You are my ex for good reason

My marriage ended in 2007 after 16 years.  I’m the one who pulled the plug. We got along fine, well even, the majority of our marriage. Yet, something was missing. We were best friends and he felt passionate about me, but I didn’t share those feelings. I desperately wanted to, but you cannot force such things.

We came together at a time when we needed each other. I think it was a successful union. We shared three beautiful boys. Before we had them, his support helped me get sober. I was a stay-at-home mom then, so I provided a stable home for our family  and that stability helped him grow in his career. It seemed like we could divorce amicably, and for a time we did. Then he met (and later married ) a woman young enough to be his daughter. She did not have the maturity to accept that he had a past. She created a wedge between us and he went along with it. He becomes whomever he is with. I call him a chameleon. She’s bipolar and can go through bouts of rage. Out of the blue, I received nasty emails from her. She inserted herself into my marriage with him, insulted me and it was vicious. Her darkness is palpable. As an INFJ personality type, I feel other’s energy. This makes conflict really hard on me emotionally and physically.  Through the years,  I’ve received many cruel emails from him regarding our kids.

We are different kinds of parents. He’s more hardcore, I’m more understanding.  I pay attention to their emotional well-being while his sole focus is their grades. I care about their grades of course, but I would rather come from a point of finding out what the problem is, rather than just grounding them. So, because of our boys we still have to interact. It’s always via email. There have been some friendly emails, which is nice.  However,  I never know when he is going to go off about something. He has taken on her darkness as his own. I don’t even recognize him anymore.

Every time I see an email from him, I have an anxiety attack. I meditate,  pray about it, try to distance myself from his anger. I still struggle,  though.  I wish I could successfully let my anxiety go. I’m also chronically ill, so any additional stress makes my pain that much worse. I don’t want to wish the remaining years I have with my boys away until they’re adults. I know this time is precious.  Our 18 year old moved out already, and it’s bittersweet. Yet, I cannot wait until I do not have to deal with him. He’s poisonous. I’m a peaceful person. I do not want conflict.  I tried to help all of us be friendly,  but she would have no part of it. I know their relationship will end eventually and maybe he’ll truly find himself then. I hope so.

I will keep searching for ways to help myself cope. I know this is happening to teach me to deal with conflict, but I’m tired of this lesson already! It’s all just too much. I don’t regret leaving him, but I would have been shocked if anyone had told me then the person he would show himself to be now. I never saw it coming. I take it as a lesson that you truly never know someone. Anyone can leap into the darkness.

 

 

 

 

a successful marriage,  even though it ended. It wasn’t a failure.  We had three beautiful boys together.  His support helped me get sober and I gave him a stable home. I developed feelings for another,  and I knew it was time to end it. What was missing in our marriage,  at least for me, would never be found. 

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It’s been a while…

I haven’t blogged in so long. Life had me somewhat paralyzed, I suppose. A year ago, I found out that the reason I’d been in so much pain for years was because I have fibromyalgia. The pain was getting worse, affecting not just the spine any longer but other areas. I developed chronic fatigue, which is fairly common with fibro. There were times I just did not want to live. A life of constant pain is no life. However, I knew I had to hang on for my children. I truly wanted to watch them grow, see them become adults. Maybe a better way of putting it is that I wanted to live; I just didn’t want to live the life I was living. I saw doctor after doctor who condescended to me and I became completely fed up with medical professionals (even though they were hardly professional).
As of last week, I have a new doctor. Well, she’s a Physician Assistant. And she’s awesome! Finally! I’m now on Tramadol, which my previous asshole of a doctor refused me. This medication has given so many people with fibro their lives back. I have hope now and it’s been a long time coming.
My relationship is in a low spot again. This is hardly atypical. We’re good, then we’re not. There’s never really been a middle-ground with us. I have no idea where it’ll go from here. Maybe you reach a point where you just can’t fight to make it anymore. It’s possible we’re both at that point. I’m not giving him what he needs and he’s not meeting my needs either. I’m tired of the struggle and I’m tired of being with someone who doesn’t seem to like me. He’s been great through my fibro. Supportive, helpful and wonderful in being empathetic to how ill I have been. There’s been good mixed in with the not-so-good. We have two kids together and we’ll be tied forever because of that.
A beach vacation is coming up within the week. Maybe that time away will reconnect us. Or, maybe we’ll go and enjoy the scenery but not each other. I’m not going to get my hopes up about it. It’ll be what it’ll be and either way, we’ll be at the beach so it won’t be awful!
My eldest child just graduated high school, which is bittersweet. I’m so proud of the man he has become, but scared of him leaving the nest. I have no experience with this, so I don’t really know how to handle it. I wish for a happy, successful, fulfilled life for him. He’s brilliant and has his choice of what he wants to do with his life. I pray he makes good choices. He always has, so I expect he still will. Just have to have faith!
The ex and I have been friendlier-well, more civil may be a better word for it. It’s been nice. I can’t tolerate animosity. His new wife has made me out to be the awful ex and I cannot control her actions; I can only control mine. I hurt him and I understand it takes time to get over that, but it’s been over 7 years. Time to move on with it.
I hope to get back into writing regularly again. Even if no one reads this, it helps me. I need to “get it all out” somehow so I don’t implode. If anyone is reading this, I wish you happiness and peace. Be well.