Fibromyalgia, parenting, love and loss

Posts tagged ‘divorce’

You are my ex for good reason

My marriage ended in 2007 after 16 years.  I’m the one who pulled the plug. We got along fine, well even, the majority of our marriage. Yet, something was missing. We were best friends and he felt passionate about me, but I didn’t share those feelings. I desperately wanted to, but you cannot force such things.

We came together at a time when we needed each other. I think it was a successful union. We shared three beautiful boys. Before we had them, his support helped me get sober. I was a stay-at-home mom then, so I provided a stable home for our family  and that stability helped him grow in his career. It seemed like we could divorce amicably, and for a time we did. Then he met (and later married ) a woman young enough to be his daughter. She did not have the maturity to accept that he had a past. She created a wedge between us and he went along with it. He becomes whomever he is with. I call him a chameleon. She’s bipolar and can go through bouts of rage. Out of the blue, I received nasty emails from her. She inserted herself into my marriage with him, insulted me and it was vicious. Her darkness is palpable. As an INFJ personality type, I feel other’s energy. This makes conflict really hard on me emotionally and physically.  Through the years,  I’ve received many cruel emails from him regarding our kids.

We are different kinds of parents. He’s more hardcore, I’m more understanding.  I pay attention to their emotional well-being while his sole focus is their grades. I care about their grades of course, but I would rather come from a point of finding out what the problem is, rather than just grounding them. So, because of our boys we still have to interact. It’s always via email. There have been some friendly emails, which is nice.  However,  I never know when he is going to go off about something. He has taken on her darkness as his own. I don’t even recognize him anymore.

Every time I see an email from him, I have an anxiety attack. I meditate,  pray about it, try to distance myself from his anger. I still struggle,  though.  I wish I could successfully let my anxiety go. I’m also chronically ill, so any additional stress makes my pain that much worse. I don’t want to wish the remaining years I have with my boys away until they’re adults. I know this time is precious.  Our 18 year old moved out already, and it’s bittersweet. Yet, I cannot wait until I do not have to deal with him. He’s poisonous. I’m a peaceful person. I do not want conflict.  I tried to help all of us be friendly,  but she would have no part of it. I know their relationship will end eventually and maybe he’ll truly find himself then. I hope so.

I will keep searching for ways to help myself cope. I know this is happening to teach me to deal with conflict, but I’m tired of this lesson already! It’s all just too much. I don’t regret leaving him, but I would have been shocked if anyone had told me then the person he would show himself to be now. I never saw it coming. I take it as a lesson that you truly never know someone. Anyone can leap into the darkness.

 

 

 

 

a successful marriage,  even though it ended. It wasn’t a failure.  We had three beautiful boys together.  His support helped me get sober and I gave him a stable home. I developed feelings for another,  and I knew it was time to end it. What was missing in our marriage,  at least for me, would never be found. 

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Why did I get out of bed this morning?

Today’s been just lovely (she writes in her best sarcastic tone).  I discovered that my boyfriend asked that his schedule be changed from 8-6 pm to 11-9 pm, which means that we will get even less time together.  Supposedly it is so he can better watch our daughter when I go back to work (I’m on maternity leave).  No matter what the reason, he should have talked to me about first.  He does not even understand why I’m angry!  Ugh…

And after that lovely start to my day, I got a nasty Facebook message from my ex-husband‘s nasty girlfriend.  I’ve never once emailed or messaged her, and I’ve tried to be civil, even friendly over the past 6 months or so with my ex so that we can all just be peaceful.  I thought his girlfriend was on board with that.  Apparently not.  She literally messaged me completely out of the blue and then insulted me based on something on my Facebook profile.  I listed “Unfaithful” as one of my favorite movies, and she said that was perfect and that she can’t wait until the day my kids become wise to my ways.  Now, she said this as a dig because I had an affair after 15 years of being faithful.  My earlier posts go into this, but in a nutshell, I was not in love with my husband and it was time to move on.  Painful but true.  I’ll never justify having an affair.  I was wrong.  However, for her to out of the blue, after she’s been with him 2 years and we’ve never communicated personally, message me and insult me is just crazy.  Did I mention she has emotional/mental issues?  Well, she does.   So, I suppose that’s contributing to her outburst but still..it was unprovoked and I just did not need it.

After that, I got a message from Rich (my boyfriend’s) ex.  Now, I asked for this I have to say in all honesty.  She dropped me as a Facebook friend and I was curious as to why so I asked.  She’s become born-again, and so she proceeded to message me and tell me R and I should “quit shacking up” and be proper role models for our kids.  Mind you, she openly cheated on R with various men, was a meth head for years and considered letting her child go into state custody.  But she’s lecturing me now that she’s supposedly holy?  Please.  I may not be a born again Christian, but I’ve done my best to live an ethical life.  Yes, I cheated on my husband.  But-do 15 years of being faithful to someone who I was in no way sexually attracted to or in love with not count for anything?  Aside from that indiscretion, I do my best to live a moral life.  I consider other feelings before my own.  I try to live in peace.  I help people in need.  I love my kids, provide for them and have made them my world.  I’ve hung in there with my boyfriend though our struggles.  Am I perfect?  No way.  Not even close.  Do I aim for enlightenment?  Yes.  Always.

Spiritually, I believe that when negative things enter our life it’s because we attracted it.  Boy, I sure have attracted some horrible stuff today!!!  I need to stop what I have been doing, clearly.  I honestly cannot take this negativity.  It’s painful, and I got off my depression meds when I discovered I was pregnant, so I’m not feeling especially equipped to deal with this.

That’s all for today.  Hope you aren’t sorry you read this.  I just needed to get this off my shoulders.  Peace to all of you.

Musings Part Four

The story continues.  R and I continued our somewhat turbulent relationship.  The deep love was always there; we had turbulence because I wanted more from him than he could give.  He said he would never be enough for me, due largely to his nature and my nature and the differences we had.  He needed freedom and kept responsibilities to a minimum.  My life was all about taking care of other people and having my relationships be my focal point.  I was also navigating the unfamiliar waters of being a single mom to my three beautiful boys, struggling with having enough money for bills and food (because we were not officially divorced for years, my ex never paid child support) and at times being dragged under the water by my despair at loving Rich with such intensity.  I was clinically depressed at the time, but did not know it. 

So, it’s not a time I necessarily look back on with fondness.  It was character-building , for sure, however!  I also did not have family support, which did not help matters.  When I first left my husband, my parents were not supportive.  They are pretty conservative (my mother is a Southern Baptist), and it’s not that they disapproved of divorce; my sister had been through one.  They knew of “the other man” and then about R, and assumed I was cheating with R, too.  I was emotionally having an affair with R during my marriage, but not a physical one.  That may not make a difference, but there you have it.  Anyway, because of their lack of support, I stopped talking to them for four months.  I knew that I needed people in my life who unconditionally loved and supported me, whether they agreed with my choices or not.  My parents had never learned to do that.  Growing up, I always felt their displeasure at who I was and how I lived.  My sister never got into trouble, made straight A’s, was a virgin through high school, and did all the things that make parents proud.  I made “Who’s Who of American High School Students,” so it’s not like I was a horrible student!  I loved English Lit and French class, but struggled in Math, and in my family, if you were not good in Math, you were made to feel a bit stupid.  No one ever came out and said it; it was just something you felt.  My parents didn’t like most of my friends or boyfriends, either.  There was always the underlying feeling of not quite measuring up.  Once I married, I tried to create a new and better relationship with them, and for a long time, it worked fairly well.  However, I never fully disclosed who I was to them.  I couldn’t share my political or spiritual beliefs, and felt I had to be perfect to finally receive their approval.

Now you understand why this whole affair and marriage-ending thing might have upset them!  Eventually, after our four-month silence, I called them and we resumed our relationship.  My boys were doing well in school, their father and I were amicable for the most part, and R and I eventually began seeing each other more.  He took me to Aberdeen to meet his folks, and we hit it off immediately.  I felt instant acceptance and warmth.  I could tell them anything and they didn’t judge.  What a new and beautiful experience for me to have parents in my life who acted with such tolerance!  I met his sisters and grandparents, too, and loved everyone.  It just felt right.  Simple as that.  In February of 2009, I discovered I was pregnant.  I had been on birth control pills, but wasn’t always so responsible about taking them daily.  Truth be told, I knew that if I became pregnant, I would be happy about it because I loved R so much.  So, I wasn’t necessarily TRYING to become pregnant, but I wasn’t preventing pregnancy either.  I told R the two tests I took were positive, and he was stunned,  for sure.  This was certainly heavy news to someone who lived with such freedom.  It took him a little bit, but pretty soon he let himself feel the joy of the situation and became really excited for the future with our child.  He never missed a prenatal appointment, and was really supportive through the pregnancy. He and I were living together at this point, so I had his regular presence, finally!   My three boys were excited about the baby as well, so life was finally looking up!  I waited four months or so to tell my parents the news, and to my surprise at the time, they took it rather well.  They said I had the right to live my life as I chose.  I told them the news via letter because I didn’t want to hear their criticism over the phone.  The fact that they took it better than I expected really was shocking to me, but I saw it as a sign of their growth and was glad for it.

The plan was to have the baby (another boy!) at home with the assistance of a midwife.  A little before midnight, Rich called her and told her I was in labor.  The boys were with me that week instead of their dad, but they were asleep in their bedrooms during most of the labor.  After many hours, a stint in the special tub the midwife brought, and several positions during pushing, the baby would not come out.  His heart rate was decreasing as well, so the decision was made to drive to the Enumclaw hospital.  I had an emergency C-section.  After complications (took them forever to fully numb me and resulted in several epidurals), he was born beautiful and healthy at 9 lbs., 7 oz.  No wonder I couldn’t deliver him naturally-so big!  We named him Lake.  I had a couple spinal headaches in the hospital, which are brutal to say the least.  My ex brought the boys to the hospital and even held Lake.  The next day, though, he called the hospital and gave me grief because he didn’t want to continue to watch the boys.  I was flat on my back with a spinal headache (that’s literally the only position you can be in during this kind of headache because otherwise your head feels like it will explode), had just had a C-section and was in a lot of pain, and he was arguing with me and in general just being a selfish ass.  This was the start of our once amicable relationship turning into something else entirely…

The baby was allowed to come to work with me until he was 6 months old, and once he reached that age, as I was about to have to put him into daycare, I found another job (I had been miserable at my job the whole 3 years I worked there) in Seattle.  Rich quit his job to stay home with the baby.  Things were definitely working out nicely!  The financial struggles were still there, of course, but we made it anyway.  The older boys were loving and devoted brothers to their new sibling; I couldn’t have been prouder of them.  Scott stopped dating this teacher he had been seeing from the beginning, and started dating a girl less than half his age.  Her influence on him was dramatic.  He became aggressive and bullying, and things escalated quickly.  I became severely depressed with the stress of it all, and eventually admitted this and asked for help.  I started taking medication for depression/anxiety, and it worked.  Life was not magically better, but it helped me from experiencing the kinds of lows I had been dealing with.  Due to the hostility with Scott, I knew I had to protect myself and file for divorce, finally.  I never had because I couldn’t afford it, and he certainly was not going to take the initiative and file because that would mean he would have to start actually paying child support.

I found a lawyer named Aimee who lowered her fee and agreed to let me pay her back over time.  She was wonderful.  There were the usual back and forth things during the divorce process, but eventually it was finalized.  Hallelujah!  It was so nice to be done with it officially.  One of my stipulations in the divorce was that the only way Scott and I could communicate would be through the website Ourfamilywizard.com.  You each sign up for an account, and can post expenses, medical info about the kids, send messages, etc.  I had enough of his nasty texts and emails, so I demanded he agree to joining this website so that anything he said to me could be admissible in court.  He, of course, didn’t sign up for it after the divorce and I had to get my lawyer to contact his lawyer to tell him he needed to follow through and do it.  Now, having this as our means of communication doesn’t take away my initial anxiety at receiving a message from him.  I still do, and there still have been unkind messages.  I told him I wanted to start fresh and try to be amicable.  It’s still in the new stage, though, so I do not know how it will end up.  I’m trying, though.  It’s important for the boys and it’s important for me personally.  Conflict is something I always felt growing up, so as an adult, I try to avoid it.  Inner peace is that seemingly far-off jewel I have been grasping at my whole life.  I’m meditating again, too, which helps.  It’s not easy and I have my days where I feel like I’m going to go under from the stress, but I try to never lose sight of my blessings.

Here’s the newest blessing-I’m pregnant again!  I’m due in January and we could not be happier about it.  My eldest son initially said “You have enough kids,” but he came around to the news eventually.  I spent the first four months sick as a dog all day long-couldn’t even keep water down.  I’m almost 24 weeks along now, so I’m doing much better.  I bought a house (we’re finally out of our small apartment) and we moved in a few weeks ago, so we are continuing to build a life for ourselves.    I’m hoping for the best for all of us-that all my boys will thrive, that Rich and I will grow old together, that my ex and I will find our peace, and that life will finally be drama-free.  I know I have to create that.  My life hasn’t just happened; I’ve created every bit of it.  Now it’s time to create peace and balance.  Love.  Ultimately, that’s what it all boils down to.