Fibromyalgia, parenting, love and loss

Posts tagged ‘Musings’

Struggle

I’ve decided that I’m over the struggling. It’s taken many forms throughout my life, and probably yours, too. What purpose does it serve? To help us grow, appreciate the joy when it comes?

It doesn’t need to be this way. I’m making a statement to you, Universe! I am choosing joy. The question is- how do I get there? I am meditating more. Not daily yet, but more and that’s something, right? Baby steps.

I had two weeks of sheer hell at work. Not just the usual stress, but over the top, I am seriously about to tell you all to suck it stress. If I weren’t supporting my entire family, I would have walked the fuck out. Then there has been financial stress. I’ve been the sole breadwinner for 15 months. I work for a nonprofit, so I’m far from wealthy yet. I say “yet” because someone has to win Powerball. It might as well be me!

My anxiety has gone through the roof. I ordered rhodiola rosea as well as suntheanine herbals. They are supposed to help with mood among other things, so worth a shot! My first try will be tomorrow. Wish me luck!

I wonder about folks who seem to coast through life. No big problems, they seem happy. Was it a before life choice they made on a soul level? Why didn’t I choose that? And can I change that choice now? My moodiness is becoming my undoing. I cannot be the Mom, mate or human being in general that I wish to be if I can’t get my moods under control.

I used to be pretty content. I mean, I was always somewhat neurotic, but aren’t we all? I was more positive, though. I didn’t work outside of the home then. When you commute 3 hours a day in Seattle traffic, work for a job that pays you too little and does not appreciate your ass-busting, the bills are overdue and it’s all your responsibility to pay them, it’s harder to be cheery. Not to mention the chronic pain of fibromyalgia. I realize that on some level, I’ve chosen it all. I simply do not choose it now.

Life is making a turnaround for the better. The times they are a changing. I am making it so.

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Hidden Away

dark forest

Guide me through your passageways
Those seldom traveled paths
Tucked away inside your head
Your secrets they keep masked

Present in body but not in mind
You float with the ether to worlds unknown
Vibrant magentas and soul-soothing blues
A world of magic that I’m not shown

So here I sit and question
All that I cannot see
The world you’ve tucked away
Forever hidden from me

Wildflowers are calling…

wildflowers

Drowning out the noises of the world

but mostly those in her own mind.

She wanders, seemingly closed off

from the world, the pain, the questions.

In her bubble she is safe, free

from the clutching demons so desperate

to drag her down.

In her silent escape she comes upon

a field of wildflowers.

They are everything she is not-joyful, vibrant, fearless.

And in that moment she knows what she must do.

So she lies down among the brilliant, swaying petals

and lets them envelop her with their beautiful hues.

She is no longer herself, but returned to the earth once more.

No pain, no noise, no fear.

Just peaceful silence.

The Quiet

hole in the ground

Diving into the ground again
Pulling the earth over my head
No light enters and sound doesn’t reach me
Numbness is my only companion

There’s nothing to be done
No plans to make
No fears to be had
No smiles to share
No tears to shed

There is only the darkness
And what’s left of me
Until I disappear altogether

Where Do We Go From Here?

sadness-tree

R and I are not doing well. We’ve always had an up and down relationship. We had a major blowout Christmas Eve, then managed to repair things for a week or so, and now that respite has been blown to bits once more. He says that I am not fulfilling him sexually. I changed anti-depressant medications because I noticed that once my dosage was upped, my sex drive all but vanished. I’m on a new medication and I’ve noticed some stirrings that weren’t there previously, so that is a positive. However, my lack of interest in sex also has to do with the issues between us. Lack of good communication, lack of trust. Why would I want to be intimate with someone who I don’t feel truly likes me/values me as a person? He will ask me to talk with him about my thoughts, but when I do it almost always ends in a fight. He becomes condescending and defensive. During our Christmas Eve blowout, he even called me a piece of shit. He said I’ve name-called him plenty during our relationship. I’ve called him an asshole from time to time, sure. I also have told him he’s condescending and arrogant (which he is when we’re arguing). There’s something about calling someone a piece of shit, though…
The constant up and downs, the lack of connection I feel at this moment-I’m drained on every level. I had never loved anyone as I’ve loved him, and when it’s good, it is so good. But when it’s bad, my God…it’s unbearable. So is the answer counseling? Is the solution to end it once and for all? Or do we keep hammering it out and try to fix it ourselves? Do I even have the energy to keep trying anymore? I really don’t know. I just want to crawl into my hole and stay there.

Falling down

pain
My blue mood hit me on the way to work this morning, seemingly out of nowhere. R was over-exhausted and low last night and I went to bed after hot yoga class without too many words exchanged between us. Things just felt “off” with us. He says he is feeling better today, so that’s a positive. I saw a neurosurgeon this week to discuss my chronic spinal pain (car wreck three years ago caused it). He didn’t offer much help. Well, he listened somewhat, which is more than my primary doc does. He prescribed a different muscle relaxant to help with the muscle spasms. I found out a few weeks ago that the damage to my spine in my accident caused my spine to develop degenerative osteoarthritis as well as spinal curvature at the upper and lower spine. This explains the three years of pain. I’ve been at my wits’ end with it all.
Fast forward to my just ending a phone call with a colleague who is on leave because her breast cancer spread to her spine. She is going through so much right now and here I was complaining about my pain. It could always be worse. My heart aches for her suffering; it just is not fair. I’ve never been one to believe that life is random. I feel in my bones that there is something far larger than we can comprehend at work in this life (and the next and the next). But still…the pain so many are going through just seems so unjust. I try to have faith that contracts are made between souls before we come into this body and that nothing happens by accident. Somehow that doesn’t lessen the grief when someone for whom we care is in pain.
I wish for joy in the lives of all I love and in my life as well. So much sadness these days…I just cannot take it anymore.

Goodbye, friend

R told me that if he and I were going to work as a couple, I needed to end my friendship with the close friend with whom I had a one-time affair (see earlier posts). This was not just someone I slept with. He had been my best friend, someone who I feel encouraged my growth intellectually, spiritually and as a person in general. We work together, so we could talk about work frustrations and know where the other was coming from. My job is extremely stressful and draining in so many ways, and some days it is hard to make myself go to work. Having him there to talk with made the days brighter. I don’t connect with people often, so when I do I treasure those friends. I hoped that he and I could remain friends while R and I made our relationship work. However, R does not feel that’s possible given the intimacy we shared.
This week marks the first week of my friend and I not communicating at all unless it is about work. Due to our roles, we still have/need to interact, but when we do now it has to be only about work. No personal stories shared, no pondering the meaning of it all, nothing. I feel sort of lost here now, like my anchor has been stolen. I understand where R is coming from, but I also believe his demanding this is a decision based on fear. He believes the friendship is damaging to our relationship. Maybe he’s right, I don’t know. All I do know is that I’ve felt a certain sense of loneliness all my life, and with him I finally had someone who understood and appreciated me (and I him). Now that’s gone and I’m adrift.

I don’t have any profound answers today. I’m just sad; like there has been a death. I’m making R happy and of course I want to do that for him. I love him. I just know that in doing this for him, I’m losing one of the best friends I’ve ever been blessed enough to have.