Fibromyalgia, parenting, love and loss

Archive for July, 2015

Finding the Light


It’s been a time of darkness. Of course, moments of lightness have found their way into my life, too. I wouldn’t recognize the light if it weren’t for the dark, so there is gratefulness in it all. I must admit that I’m ready for more light.

Life needn’t be such a struggle. I would enjoy learning from joy, not just pain. Why is it that we pay closer attention to the pain? Some of the most beautiful, moving songs are born of great sorrow. At least, those are the melodies that move me. Maybe some souls have a leaning toward melancholy.

I told you that our annual beach vacation was coming up. We went and it was lovely and painful. My family spent time on Oregon’s rugged coast. We had campfires and laughter, standing in awe at the magnificence of it all. It takes your breath away, it’s so beautiful.

Rich and I had a late night walk on the beach, as we love to do. We talked about our relationship, and how we seemed to have reached a crossroads. I said I couldn’t help feeling that he kept secrets. I also said I couldn’t really move forward until he told me whatever it was he was hiding. He said that when he did that in the past, it didn’t help us. I just held onto the anger, so why would it be any different this time? I understand his logic, but his saying that reinforced my belief that there are secrets. Always the secrets.

I’m not naive. Every couple has things they do not share. It’s the big things that are the silent killers, though. Harmless flirting or money spent but kept hidden. Maybe a new shirt that she just had to have. Or a small wager on a game that he felt a need to make. Little, fairly harmless secrets that live in the dark.

What of the massive, murderous secrets you know in your gut are there, but no confirmation is ever given? Or they’re simply dismissed altogether? ¬†They eat away at your trust and destroy your love. It’s possible that the only way I can find the light is to accept that there are some things I’ll never know. Maybe I’ll be able to make peace with that.