Fibromyalgia, parenting, love and loss

Posts tagged ‘friendship’

Missing Pieces

lonelinessI’ve spent a lifetime often feeling alone, misunderstood, unappreciated. I had a friend who valued our relationship as much as I and now he’s gone and a part of me is missing. The sadness I feel is palpable and I don’t know that this is a wound time will heal. These connections are rare for me; that’s why I value this one so much. I want my relationship with R to to work-that’s why I agreed to end my friendship with my coworker. I just don’t know how to move through my life now without my friend.

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Where is she?

I consider myself a friendly person, and so I have many casual friends.  I work primarily with men, and I am quite close with two of them.  Strictly platonic on my part (they both would like more if I would offer it), and it’s nice to have people I can share my thoughts with, especially given the year I’ve had.  What’s the problem,then?  Well…all my life I have wanted a female best friend.  One I can always count on to be there, one who knows I would be there for her in a split second if ever she needed me, one who would love my children and be a source of guidance for them as they grow up.  Where is she?

I thought I found that friend seven or so years ago when I lived in a neighborhood in Maple Valley with my then husband and our three kids.  Sarah lived a couple doors down.  One day, I was at the neighborhood park literally right outside my front door, and she was there with her kids.  She asked me a question, I think it was “how are you?”  I started welling up because our dog had just died in my arms.  The dog, Chance, was a beloved family member. We knew he was dying, and so we recognized when the time had come.  It was both beautiful and awful at the same time, being there as he died.  I knew we needed to do that for him-offer him that comfort-as he passed into the next world.

That next day, emotions were raw.  Sarah showed up at just the right time, and we were close from that point on.  We had neighborhood barbecues and were friendly with a few other couples on the block, and it truly was idyllic.  I’ve never experienced anything like that before.  We went on a trip to Vancouver, BC together (we three couples), our kids played together.  God, I miss that.  We were renting that house even though it was newly built.  After living there two years, we had to make a decision to either buy it or move out.  For various reasons, we chose to move.  We settled in a town 30 minutes away from Maple Valley, and it was never the same again.  Sarah and I drifted apart.  I went through a divorce, depression, meeting Rich, and two pregnancies and she was not there for any of it.  I know now that she was having her own marital issues back then.  She and her husband were always fighting, but underneath the fighting there seemed to be love.  She was a hoarder and this fact made him crazy. He would gather up armfuls of clothing she had bought and never worn, and take them all to Goodwill. He was a salesman-full of shit to a large degree but a nice guy.

I guess these annoyances multiplied in the years she and I were out of touch ( we messaged on Facebook but we only saw each other once in a 5 year period).  Sarah, her twins, my 2-year-old and I got together at a children’s gymnastics place 5 months ago.  We talked as if no time had passed and it was great, but nothing changed.  She went back to her life and I went back to mine.  So, she obviously is not the “she” I have been looking for all my life.

I need a close female friend.  It would be so comforting to have that special person in my world.  I believe I would be a wonderful friend to her, too.  I’m the kind of person who offers guidance when asked, but otherwise just listens.  People seem to like that about me-the listening part, I mean.  So many of us are never really “heard.”  Lots of people listen, but few truly hear what we are saying.  I’ve prayed about finding my best friend, but she hasn’t made her appearance yet.  Wherever you are, I’m waiting with an open heart.Image