Mondays peak my anxiety. I believe it’s a matter of adjusting my energy to the energy of my workplace after a weekend respite. I feel the anxiety starting to mount on the commute and I focus on calming down, breathing, letting it go. Once I’m in my office, however, I know that at any given moment someone will knock on my door. I’m the main 1st Responder in a manufacturing environment, and people get cut routinely. They also come to me with HR concerns, health issues, you name it. If I could come in and know that I had some time to adjust, it would be so much better for my anxiety. If wishes were horses-well, you know the saying.
After a visit with my doctor recently, we upped the dosage on my Citalopram to 40 mg. per day. That’s the highest she’ll go with it. If after a month, I do not notice a reduction in my anxiety, then she wants to add Buspar to the mix. An anti-anxiety cocktail, as it were. I don’t want to take anything that will make me gain weight. See, with an eating disorder in my past and the fact that I’m finally back to my pre-pregnancy weight, I cannot and will not gain weight. It wreaks havoc with my self-image. If I keep doing my regular yoga and watching what I eat, hopefully it will not be a problem. Now for some good news-I’ve discovered that my life’s purpose is in healing. I’ve always gravitated toward jobs where I’m helping others. Part of my job title now is “Wellness.” The wonderful book “Destiny of Souls” helped me realize this purpose. I’m looking into reiki as an option. One day at a time, though. I’m not letting myself stress over change. I feel blessed to have finally found out what my raison d’etre is. Maybe eventually I’ll learn to heal my own chronic pain! One thing about the book that really resonated with me is that healers often have chronic pain themselves. It’s a way of really being able to empathize with others. This makes sense to me. Now, I still hope to cleanse myself once and for all of the spinal pain, but it definitely has brought greater empathy for those who are dealing with daily pain. It takes a toll in every facet of one’s life.
Things on the relationship front are much improved, thankfully. We’re communicating better/more, and communication has always been our biggest issue. I’m learning to let go of my anger and hurt over things he did in the past. You see, my ex-husband has held onto anger at me for my ending of our relationship. I hurt him, behaved badly and wish I could erase it. I’ll never be able to do that, though. All that I can do is make amends and be a better person in my life now, in this moment. That’s all R can do, too. I know he would erase the pain he caused me if he could, but there are no words he can say that will take it all away. So, I can hold it against him forever or I can accept his apology and move forward. I’ve chosen the latter. We cannot be granted forgiveness in life if we aren’t willing to extend the same forgiveness to those who have wronged us.