It’s been a good week. My mood has been up, I’ve been feeling far more sociable at work and the anxiety has been much improved. I was surprised by the shift in mood because work has been overwhelmingly stressful to the point that I’ve felt I’m literally at the breaking point. However, today the mood’s low again and I’m unsure why. Maybe it’s just fatigue from the hot yoga class last night, or maybe it’s just the frenetic pace catching up with me. As I type I’m listening to Evanescence. Anyone who knows me really well understands that if I’m listening to that band, I must be in a dark mood! I’m at work and for a time at least, it’s quiet and I have a few spare minutes so I thought I would write to try to get to the bottom of my darkness this morning. Thoughts of R’s past infidelity have crept in along with insecurities related to that (is it possible he’s hiding things now?). Logically, he works from home as a writer and is with our little ones all day, so I know that it’s damn near impossible for him to cheat. There’s no other woman on the radar either. It’s just my mind dragging me down again.
Probably somewhere tied in to my mood is the feeling that came on suddenly a couple weeks ago that I’m not going to live a whole lot longer. R and I were literally lying in bed after a wonderful date night, and the thought just came into my mind that I don’t have much longer to live. Why would such a thought come to me, you ask? I have no idea where it came from or why. When I thought about it more, I “saw” the age I’ll be in two years, and that age was the oldest I would grow. Maybe it’s just a fleeting thought, nothing more. It’s been in the back of my mind, though. How could it not be? I asked a friend who is into dream analysis and all things spiritual what he thought of it, and he said that before sleeping he would ask to be shown a sign about it (whether or not it would happen). He saw a badly wrecked gray or blue station wagon (like an old Volvo). Needless to say, ever since then I’ve looked all over the road while driving for a car that matches that description! Nothing yet…and hopefully that wrecked car was just a symbol of something else. A psychic with whom he’s close told him that the symbols in his dream might mean nothing to him, but something to me. My ex-husband drove a Volvo wagon at one point, so maybe that’s it…I don’t know.
I haven’t told R about any of this. Why upset him over something that may not happen? He’s already dealing with anxiety; I don’t wish to make it worse. And like I said, maybe it’s nothing. When I try to picture myself older though, I see nothing. It’s blank. Why is it blank? I can see my kids getting older. I need to stop this thinking…it cannot be good for me.