Fibromyalgia, parenting, love and loss

Posts tagged ‘Committed relationship’

Not Over It Yet

Sad Quotes
Broken Heart Scraps, Graphics, Quotes

Scraps and Graphics

It’s been about a year and a half since I found out about my mate’s past cheating. We went to counseling, we’ve tried to improve communication and I’ve worked my ass off to forgive him for his years of lying to me. Yet this morning I found myself thinking about it on my commute to work, and then when I got here I yet again looked through the emails of his old email account. I could not tell you how many times I’ve read those emails to and from other women. There’s nothing new to find, and I know that logically, but I looked anyway. Emails from women who responded to his ad on craigslist or matchmaker.com or whatever online website (there were many) he used to try to find new partners. He told many that he “hadn’t found anyone who excited him.” He wrote about his ex-wife and the girlfriend he had before me (who was married and cheating on her husband). In all those emails, there was nothing about me. And yet during the two years of his infidelity, he was texting and emailing me love poems, working with me daily, sleeping with me and promising me that I was the only one. I was a fool and he was a bastard who played mind games with me. Normally I would talk to my coworker and close friend about all this, but R had me promise not to talk to him anymore so here I am, alone and lost in my head.

He is not the same person now. We have two children together, have been together for 6 years and I have seen his growth. He has become a family man and is a truly wonderful, patient and loving father and he tries to be a good partner to me. So having seen his growth, why do I sometimes go back to that dark space in my mind and allow all the hurt and feelings of betrayal to creep back in? Will there ever be a time when it won’t feel like I’ve been stabbed in the gut? And how do you ever fully trust someone who has proven himself to be a skilled deceiver? Someone who can look you in the eyes and swear they have never been unfaithful when in fact they had from the beginning? Maybe I never will fully trust him. Maybe that’s the inevitable result of the destruction he caused. Maybe I can and have forgiven him, but that doesn’t mean letting myself be fooled ever again. I cheated on him a year ago. When he asked, I was honest about my having cheated once. Do I feel guilty about it? Nope. Quite possibly, I should but I don’t. He had it coming. He got a taste of the misery I’ve been dealing with ever since I found out, and really, long before I found out because I felt in my gut for a long time that he had been unfaithful. You reap what you sow in this life.

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No more wondering

A little over a week ago now, I made a decision.  I would charge my boyfriend’s old phone and look at the texts I so often wondered about.  Now, keep in mind that this phone has not been used in two and a half years now.  It was his cell phone before he moved in with me, when I was 4 months pregnant with our now 2 year old.  If you have perused my previous posts, you know that trust has been an issue with us.  Since he moved in, he has changed and become more the kind of person I can trust.  Prior to his moving in, however, he engaged in inappropriate emails with other women.  When caught, he said that it was just a form of escape; that he never met those women in person.  The texts I found on his old phone proved otherwise.  When confronted, he admitted to having cheated on me.  This was not just with one woman, either; there were several.  One was a woman he dated before me, and he saw her a few times while he was supposed to be monogamous with me.  There were a couple he met online as well.  Two more women he fooled around with, but did not have sex with.  And then there was the one he kissed in the ocean in Hawaii.

Needless to say, I was completely devastated.  Still am.  I knew in my gut that he had cheated, and I begged him to just level with me about it.  For years, he denied having ever cheated.  He saw me tormented about it, and he kept silent.  He tells me now that he kept silent because he had painted himself into a corner.  He was lost then, and even though we had a deep connection and he knew he loved me deeply, he was running from anything with meaning.  This doesn’t surprise me; I was ready for a committed relationship back then, and he was very clear that he was not.  However, he always told me then that if he had feelings for or wanted to be with another woman, he would tell me first.  He said I deserved to know that so I could make my own choice about whether to stay with him or not.  Even though I knew in my gut he had cheated during our relationship, back then at least, I believed he had not slept with another woman.

During the time we have lived together, I’ve watched him become a father and basically a husband to me, even though we have no certificate.  He seldom goes out with his friends and has made our family and his job his world.  I know these things.  Yet, they do not take away the fact that he cheated on me and lied to me.  Anytime I look at him now, I picture him being with another woman, and it tears my heart out.

He has been as remorseful as he can be.  He has sent emails, texts, poems, he gives me gentle touches when he’s near me.  Basically he is trying in every way he can to let me know how sorry he is and how much he loves me.  I believe that he is sorry.  That doesn’t mean he is trustworthy, though.  I’m not sure how to move forward and forgive.  Maybe I never can forgive what he did, and if that’s the case, how do I build a life with someone I resent?