Okay, so maybe not a lot of sun in the Pacific Northwest, but sunny in my soul. This week I consciously made the decision to focus on the positives in my life, the blessings. I’ve been so overburdened by anxiety and chronic pain, job stress and fatigue that it’s been difficult seeing all that’s right. Now, here and there over the past month I’ll start my day thanking the God I believe in for the beautiful sunset, or the changing of the leaves or the laughter and hugs of my children, and my family and friends’ well-being. But aside from that, it’s been so hard taking the focus away from my chronic spinal pain. It’s consuming because you feel like shit all day, every day and I have felt this way for over 3 years now.
Then there are the relationship struggles I’ve had with R-good days, bad days and times I felt I needed to just walk away.
My perspective has changed this week, though. Even though Oprah can annoy me, I had one of her “ah ha moments.” I was commuting to work and I realized that I can never undo the pain R caused me with his infidelity. I can only focus on all that’s wonderful in our relationship and move forward. Regarding my pain, I came to understand that I need to see my body not as my prison, but as a source of strength. This body has borne 5 children. I make it though hot yoga 2 or 3 times a week. I am on the go most hours of the day and only get 6 hours of sleep a night, but still my body keeps me moving. It’s hard to take the focus away from the pain because it’s so uncomfortable, but I’m working at shifting my energy to my crown chakra and heart chakra instead of putting my energy into my areas of pain. Time will tell if this works, but it’s worth a shot! I’ve also gotten back into meditating, which I’ve known for years I needed to start doing again.
So, in essence I’m vowing to return to the positive person I was, many moons ago.
Does that mean you won’t see another pain-filled post from me? I doubt it. All I can say is that I’m aware of a continual need for enlightenment. We never stop growing and I choose to become better, more loving, calmer as time passes. If I need to stay on anti-anxiety drugs to do this, then I damn well will! I see no problem with it. I tried herbal supplements but they didn’t really work for me (but do for many others and more power to them). I’m focusing on putting more love out there, and this week I’ve gotten more kindness back, even from someone at work who normally irks the hell out of me. So, something’s working here. My prayer is that it will continue.