I’ve been lost in my head again today, wading through my memories as well as old emails in search of something, anything that will explain why R cheated on me. Myspace messages he sent years ago, poems he wrote for me, love he expressed….and all the while he was having sex with other women. I feel so sad for the woman I was then. I was so in love-consumed, really. The wanting of him was palpable. And still, even after all that has happened, I want him still. Deeply. Profoundly. Desperately.
Yet the person I feel all those things for betrayed me. We still move around the same house; we still make love. Heck, we make love now more than we have in a long time. The chemistry was always there, but with busy lives and a house full of children, as well as a recent pregnancy, we didn’t make the time we should have for intimacy. So now we reach out to each other because we know we could lose this love we have, and it could all be lost not over who he is now, but who he was then.
I shut the bathroom door and wept a little bit ago-just overcome with sorrow over where we are now. I honestly don’t know if I have it in me to get over this. Sometimes you can’t find the door, so you remain locked in your room of misery forever. I want so much to let go of this pain and move forward with our family and this shared life we’ve carved out. How I’ll do this escapes me at the moment, though, and that absolutely breaks my heart.