Fibromyalgia, parenting, love and loss

Where Do We Go From Here?

sadness-tree

R and I are not doing well. We’ve always had an up and down relationship. We had a major blowout Christmas Eve, then managed to repair things for a week or so, and now that respite has been blown to bits once more. He says that I am not fulfilling him sexually. I changed anti-depressant medications because I noticed that once my dosage was upped, my sex drive all but vanished. I’m on a new medication and I’ve noticed some stirrings that weren’t there previously, so that is a positive. However, my lack of interest in sex also has to do with the issues between us. Lack of good communication, lack of trust. Why would I want to be intimate with someone who I don’t feel truly likes me/values me as a person? He will ask me to talk with him about my thoughts, but when I do it almost always ends in a fight. He becomes condescending and defensive. During our Christmas Eve blowout, he even called me a piece of shit. He said I’ve name-called him plenty during our relationship. I’ve called him an asshole from time to time, sure. I also have told him he’s condescending and arrogant (which he is when we’re arguing). There’s something about calling someone a piece of shit, though…
The constant up and downs, the lack of connection I feel at this moment-I’m drained on every level. I had never loved anyone as I’ve loved him, and when it’s good, it is so good. But when it’s bad, my God…it’s unbearable. So is the answer counseling? Is the solution to end it once and for all? Or do we keep hammering it out and try to fix it ourselves? Do I even have the energy to keep trying anymore? I really don’t know. I just want to crawl into my hole and stay there.

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Comments on: "Where Do We Go From Here?" (2)

  1. If he can’t deal with your mental illness, then is he really worth it? I know from personal experience that if I were with someone who was anything but supportive through my struggles, I wouldn’t stay with them. If he is contributing to making your anxiety worse, then he isn’t doing what a supportive partner should be expected to do.

    • Hi there. Thanks for stopping by my blog. 🙂 Normally, he’s very supportive of my anxiety and depression. He grew up in a family that has both, so he recognizes it when it’s there and I myself might not be able to objectively see that I’m getting low again, or getting anxious over something. With regard to the lack of intimacy we were struggling with, I think it was mostly stemming from a lack of affection I’ve shown him over the past year or so. He had just finally had enough and wanted to work through it and make it better. He knew my medication was contributing to the absence of sex, but he also felt it was more than just that (and he was right). We’ve made some really good strides since then though, so I’m feeling positive about our relationship now. I hope it continues!

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