My anxiety has been with me steadily, like the beast who won’t go away. For a time now, it’s just been the anxiety. I didn’t feel depressed, and came to discover that the anxiety had been causing the depression all along. It’s similar to what comes first, the chicken or the egg? Well, over the past week, I have felt depressed. Some days I’m just “blah,” while other days I have felt really low. I’ve been looking at old emails from my husband’s account (not legally my husband but we live as husband and wife), one from years ago when we weren’t living together and had no children together yet. He was cheating on me then with numerous, random women but I was unaware. Well, my gut told me something was up, but I had no proof until a little shy of two years ago.
We went to counseling and have tried to get past what he did. So, why am I going back to that dark place and looking at the proof of his infidelities? Why am I tormenting myself?
I believe that people are our mirror, and I’ve been forced to deal with a really angry individual at work. This tells me that I have my own repressed anger that I must face, and that anger has a lot to do with R and how he hurt me so much. I’ll have enlightened moments where I see the situation for what it was-he was self-destructive and drinking a lot at the time, he had no hope in relationships working out, and so he had a secret life. He’s not the same person now, but still…those actions cannot be undone. I can logically know that people do in fact change and grow, but the fear that he’s still deceiving me is there still. I’ve found no proof of anything he’s done wrong since we have lived together. No texts, emails, posts, nothing. But still I worry. I never again want to be in the dark. These feelings create distance between R and I-they have to. I know that for me to dwell on the past is damaging to our moving past it, but I wear the pain around me like a blanket.
My doc and I agreed to up the dosage on my anti-anxiety/depression medication and since I did that, I’ve lost all desire for sex. There’s just no interest there at all. I used to feel such passion for R. No matter what was going on in our relationship, that part was always good. I know he must think it’s because I don’t find him attractive any longer. I’ve always found him beautiful. His job requires him to sit all day and because of that, he’s gained weight. I miss the body he used to have, but he’s still beautiful and sexy. I just feel dead on an intimate level. There’s a lack of connection, a wall. We haven’t really talked about it. There never seems to be enough alone time (I have 5 kids) and our work schedules are different. Plus, he’s just lost both of his grandparents, so I don’t want to add to his stress or unhappiness. So, we go about our days with the proverbial elephant in the room.
I so long to feel true joy in my life. Confidence. Peace. Security. Trust. Love. I try and try to grow and heal myself and I feel as if I keep running into that brick wall and it’s so incredibly frustrating.